What am I supposed to do with a Goblin Babe?
by Fantasmagorie
Summary: A sequel to : What am I supposed to do Underground? Hilarity is asked to become the godmother to Jareth's son. Things get a little complicated when Trin wishes the baby away to the land of the dead. Will our heroes be able to save him? Please R&R!
1. Prologue : Who gets cutody of the alien?

What am I supposed to do with a Goblin Babe!?!   
  
(A sequel to the sequel of the sequel of "What am I supposed to do in Thirteen  
Hours!?!")  
  
******  
  
Disclaimer - I do not own Labyrinth, or The Man who Fell to Earth, or Satan... Just  
wanted to make that clear. Although I did beat Satan at Pontoon once, which was  
pretty risky seeing as my soul could have been in jeopardy there.  
  
******  
  
A/N - Hi everyone! It's me again....hey come back!!! sheesh!! Anyway I was going to  
end it all on the last story but the Clover the Sea-Beast gave me a few ideas and sadly  
my bloody, spaced out brain couldn't leave it alone. This has become a bit like "The  
Hitchhikers Guide" now because I intended the stories to make up a trilogy which now  
has a fourth part! Bugger it! This story is set one year after the last one, by the way.  
I'd also like to announce that my new baby cousin has finally been given a name after  
six agonising weeks. So please say hello to Rapheal Ku-rin-gai Gordon. No, I'm not  
kidding. That really is his name.  
  
******  
  
Chapter 1 - Prologue : Who gets custody of the alien?  
  
******  
  
"Finished!" I said happily as I sent off the final chapter. "That was certainly an epic  
tale." I walked into my living room and was about to enjoy a quite evening with the  
Simpsons when a strange purple light shone through my window.   
"That's rather weird!" I said. "It can't the neighbours, and no one ever drives past  
here." At first I was rather worried because there were rumours of the area being  
haunted. Headless horsemen and whatnot. Finally I plucked up the courage and  
opened the front door. There, on my front lawn stood a small, glowing space ship. The  
door slid open dramatically and a tall skinny, figure stepped out. It couldn't be! Could  
it? My question was answered for me when the creature on board lost it's footing and  
fell flat on its face in the grass.  
"Good God! Are you OK?" I said.  
"I'm fine, I'm fine. I just tripped." Said the creature. Hang on a minute. I could've  
recognised that light cockney twang anywhere. The figure got to its feet.  
"Greeting Earthling. As you may well have guessed, it is I, Hilarity Freak."  
"But, you're just a fictional character! I made you up!"  
"I know. This is just an MSG induced dream caused by that Chinese you had last  
night."  
"Oh. What do you want?"  
"I have come to tell you that you're story is far from over. Trin and I did return to the  
Labyrinth for another adventure some time later."  
"What happened?"  
"You'll know, when you wake up." said the alien and I suddenly woke up on my sofa  
with a half eaten Chinese on the coffee table.   
"Gotta get writing!" I cried as it all became clear to me.  
  
******  
  
Hilarity sat at her kitchen table nursing a cup of tea. It really hadn't been the best the  
best night last night. In fact it had been quite nightmarish. She had thrown her  
boyfriend, Danny, out of the apartment. She had been meaning to brake up with him  
for some time. The last year had been quite turbulent but she hadn't been able to sum  
up the nerve to end it until the night before. Her pet alien Thomas Jerome Newton  
mooched into the kitchen and rested his head in her lap with a soulful expression.  
  
"I know, kiddo. Danny's not here today so I'll have to take you for walkies." she was  
about to put her coat on when her hologram phone started beeping. If it was who she  
thought it was then she wasn't going to answer it. However, Trin's number appeared  
on the tiny screen and she breathed a sigh of relief. "Hi Trin."  
  
"I heard." he said ominously.  
  
"Oh, wooptidoo!" she said sarcastically "Doesn't news travel fast."  
  
"Hey, hey! Don't take this thing out on me. Well actually you can take this out on me  
because I told your mum."  
  
"What!!"  
  
"Sorry. It just slipped out and I wanted to warn you that she's coming over today."  
  
"Oh Crap! She's going to be all : "Why can't you ever keep a man? Danny was good  
for you...blah blah blah!" What do I do!" she cried.  
  
"I dunno. Move house." suggested Trin.  
  
"I want you to get over here NOW!!!"  
  
"But!"  
  
"No buts! If I'm going down I'm taking you with me!"  
  
******  
  
A few hours later a middle aged woman who looked a bit like Hilarity entered the  
building. She looked at her daughter and held out her arms.  
  
"Darling!" she cried and gave Hilarity a hug. "Trin told me all about it, you poor thing.  
Why didn't you call me?"  
  
"Sorry mum. I just wanted some time to myself."  
  
"Yes, yes of course, dear." her mother sighed "Oh! I was really hoping this one would  
work out for you. Danny was good for you even if his family is a little bit eccentric."  
  
"Mum, he wanted me to choose between him and my friends! I don't think that was  
particularly good for me."  
  
"Hilarity darling. Don't get angry at me, but you do hang around with some rather  
shady characters. Earthlings, mythical creatures, they're a bad influence on you.  
Especially that Gremlin King person. He gets you in trouble all the time. And that  
alien you live with, he's just disturbing....." Hilarity had a rare talent for blanking her  
mother out while pretending to listen and nodding occasionally. In these  
circumstances it was better to grin and bear it than start another argument when you've  
spent the whole of the night before arguing with someone else. Trin stood in the back  
ground trying not to get involved and Thomas roamed the living room in search of  
alcoholic  
beverages. When she finally left, Hilarity let out a sigh of relief.   
  
"I think that went quite well actually." she said to her cousin.  
  
"I didn't know Danny wanted you to stop seeing Jareth and Sarah." said Trin.  
  
"Well, he did and I don't want to talk about it. God, I just wish I could get out of here  
for a few weeks..." she would have carried on talking had she not disappeared into  
thin air. 


	2. The patter of little feet, or boots!

Chapter 2 - The pattering of little feet...  
  
******  
  
A/N - I know this story is a wee bit abstract but if you read the three previous ones I  
wrote you might understand what's going on. Emphasis on "might"!  
  
******  
  
Hilarity was quite startled when she suddenly found herself in the middle of the throne  
room in the castle at the centre of the Labyrinth. She also found herself face to face  
with an unusually happy looking Goblin King.  
  
"Bloody Hell, mate! I didn't mean that literally." she said.  
  
"Mean what?"  
  
"What? You mean you didn't bring me here because I wished myself away." she said  
feeling a little confused.  
  
"No. But I must say it was a big coincidence." he said happily. "I brought you here  
because I have some very important news."  
  
"News that couldn't wait until our weekly night out? What's up?" Jareth just grinned at  
her "Oh come on! You can't say you've got big news then not tell me...well don't keep  
me in suspenders, dude, you got me curious." she joked.  
  
"Sarah and I..." he paused for maximum effect "...are going to have a child!"  
  
"No!" she gasped with disbelief "Oh my God! That's fantastic! You dark horse." they  
laughed "Where is she? I'd like to congratulate her in person."  
  
"She's gone to tell her family but I wanted you be the first person I told. There'll be  
plenty of time for congratulations at the party we're throwing on Saturday to celebrate.  
You have to come, no excuses. Bring Danny if you like."  
  
"Ah," said Hilarity quietly.  
  
"What do you mean 'Ah'?"  
  
"I kind of threw Danny out."  
  
"About bloody time! He's an arsehole!"  
  
"That's not what my mum thinks." said the alien unhappily and imitated her mother's  
overly posh voice "When am I going to get some grandchildren. Hilarity? You'll never  
be able to keep a man if you carry on like this. Staying out all night with a couple of  
weirdoes from another astral plane, living with a maniacally depressed alcoholic  
alien...."  
  
"I resent that!"  
  
"I know, she really pisses me off sometimes."  
  
Jareth smiled evilly "Well, just say the words and I'll..."  
  
She cut him short "No! Never! I couldn't do that to my own flesh and blood. No, I  
love my mother and I know she means well. She's just a bit confused about what I  
want and what she wants."  
  
The Goblin King looked disappointed "Your choice." he sighed. "So I take it you're  
free and single again?"  
  
"Yep, why?"  
  
"Oh nothing. It's just that my brother's been looking for someone and he's coming to  
the party and you're going to be there..."  
  
"No, not in a million years. I will not be set up with Knossos or as I like to call him  
Mr Headcold."  
  
"He really likes you, you know."  
  
"He declared war on me!"  
  
"Yes, he's not the most subtle person in the world. I suggest that you bring a guest to  
throw him off the scent." with those last words Hilarity reappeared in her living room  
in front of an astonished Trin with a party invitation in her hand. 


	3. Loving the Alien!

Chapter 3 - Loving the Alien!  
  
******  
  
Saturday night arrived and Hilarity had no one to go to the celebration with who  
would successfully allow her to avoid the advances of a certain rebounding Troll  
King. All of her friends had politely declined for some reason. It wasn't surprising  
really seeing as they didn't like the idea of being temporarily stuck in a technology free  
environment. Over the years Hilarity and Trin had just got used to it. She was also  
suspicious that her friends did not want to be accused to taking sides now that she and  
Danny were no longer an item.  
  
"I'll go with you, if you like." Her cousin suggested.  
  
"Well you can come but Knossos already knows who you are. I need to bring someone  
who can give the impression of affection without any real emotional attachment.  
Someone who'll do as they're told."  
  
Just then, Thomas skulked into the living room, cautiously curled up on the sofa next  
to  
Hilarity and rubbed his head against her shoulder affectionately. Trin looked at the  
strange creature and an evil little idea flashed across his brain. His cousin seemed to  
read his mind and glared at him.  
  
"No Trin. That would be cruel."  
  
"Why not? He trusts you and does as he's told. Plus, they'll be plenty of booze, he'll  
enjoy himself."   
  
"It just sounds so morally wrong to send an emotionally disturbed alien into that kind  
of environment."  
  
"Well it's your decision. Hope you enjoy being approached by a Darkness lookalike."  
All hints of doubt quickly disappeared from his cousin's face "Morals? Moi? Get  
real!"  
  
Half an hour later, Hilarity was adjusting the tie on Thomas's new suit that she had  
just bought him. She had been in a bit of a rush and had got the size wrong so now her  
pet alien (who was dangerously skinny anyway) seemed to be wearing a small tent.  
  
"Hey, lock up your daughters everyone!" Trin joked with a hint of sarcasm. He had  
always thought of Thomas as a bit of an oxygen thief.  
  
"Don't worry, kiddo. It's only for one night." She said to her pet comfortingly. Thomas  
just  
looked at her blankly as he always did. With a sigh she handed him his emergency hip  
flask and a portable TV. With the reading of a few magic words, the three of them  
vanished.  
  
******  
  
The party was very much the same as all of Jareth's other parties. The hall was filled  
with aristocrats in all their finery but there still seemed to be a hint of depravity in the  
air. Hilarity tried not draw attention to herself and after congratulating Sarah on her  
good news she hovered next to the performing minstrels and clapped politely after  
every song, always keeping a watchful eye on Thomas. Trin, on the other hand, was  
having a wail of a time. He had successfully pulled and whizzed around the room with  
his new dancing partner. And there on the other side of the room was what she had  
been fearing. Oh Crap! It was Knossos! And he was heading in her direction!  
"Oh, why must I attract the losers?" she sighed and put on a suitably fake grin.  
  
"Ah, Hilarity. What a pleasant surprise." said Knossos making the most of his natural  
charm, which was smaller than flu virus.  
  
"I've never been one for surprises." she said bluntly.  
  
"Now, I can see you're probably still upset about that whole invasion thing and I'd like  
to apologise. I should never have intimidated you."  
  
"Apology accepted." Hilarity replied, never being one to hold a grudge.  
  
"May I have this dance, then?" Hilarity shook her head and walked away. She  
quickened her pace when she found that he was following her. She grabbed Thomas  
by the sleeve and they began to spin around the dance floor. Thomas's expression  
changed when she placed his arm around her waist. For the first time in the six years  
she had known him, he was actually smiling. She kept the dance slow, taking his  
terrible motion sickness into consideration and grinned back at the strange creature in  
the badly fitting suit in front of her. Maybe he was improving. She didn't know  
anything about Thomas but it pained her to see him being so sad and self destructive.  
Maybe he just needed a good party to cheer him up. She snapped out of her thoughts  
when Knossos tapped on her shoulder and demanded to cut in.  
  
"No you may not!" she cried as he half led, half dragged her away from her partner  
"Tom, you fool, defend my honour!" it was too late, her nemesis was already leading  
her in a swift polka. The alien just stood in the middle of the room watching them. His  
smile had disappeared and he never took his eyes off Hilarity. She had awakened long  
forgotten memories in the dark recesses of his mind. Something wonderful that he  
struggled to recollect along with something painful which he had tried so hard to  
escape from through his vices.  
  
The dance ended and Hilarity glared at her abductor. "You only get to do that once,  
dude!" she growled. During her last stay in the castle she had undergone a strange  
metamorphosis spell that had turned her into the ideal Goblin leader. The leader was  
none other than Jareth himself so she had technically become him for about a day  
saving the Labyrinth in the process. Since then she had inherited some of her friends  
traits which only appeared when she was experiencing a particularly strong emotion.  
Sometimes it was only a minor detail like a walk or a typically Jareth-like remark but  
it still shook up a lot of people, including Danny. This time her eyes changed colour  
from their usual cheerful purple to a cold mismatched stare. It seemed to do the trick  
because Knossos was quickly repulsed and made his excuses and left. Thomas crept  
up to her side and slipped his skeletal hand into hers. Hmm...maybe it wasn't the party  
that cheered him up... 


	4. Baby Names

Chapter 4 - Baby Names  
  
******  
  
A/N - Hiya! I just wanted to thank you guys for the awesome reviews especially  
Augusta and Clover the Sea-Beast. You're the best! As for the questions concerning  
Thomas Jerome Newton... I based him on a character (also played by David Bowie)  
from an obscure little seventies sci-fi movie called "The Man who Fell to Earth".  
Basically Thomas is an alien who comes to Earth to collect water for his dying planet  
but gets a little distracted by the wonderful world of sex, TV and alcohol! He  
eventually gets caught and experimented on and gets thoroughly depressed because he  
failed his mission. I wanted to bring the character into the story after he'd been  
stranded on Earth for about ten years where in the meantime he's become a bit of a  
traumatised wreck who's forgotten how to talk. I thought it would be funny if Hilarity  
took him in as a pet and I was thinking about returning him to the wreckage of his  
home planet in a later story. As for the romance, you just have to wait and see! I don't  
have any ideas for Trin at the moment so if you have any weird suggestions for his  
love life, let me know!  
  
******  
  
Sadly, Hilarity could not return to the Goblin City for several months. She had to  
spend some time in the Coria star system researching her next travel guide. Her work  
was mostly reviewing hotels and restaurants but she also had a little space to write  
about her many adventures and narrow scrapes with the Mafia and such. She also like  
to write a little section about all the rural villages that she would often explore and  
converse with their inhabitants. Seeing as Danny was no longer around she had to  
bring Thomas with her. The change in the little red headed alien was quite  
phenomenal. He still wouldn't speak but he no longer flinched when people talked to  
him and was beginning to look quite happy and agreeable. He had even cut back on  
his gin intake. Hilarity guessed that he was trying to impress her in his funny little  
way. She wasn't sure how to react to this sudden change but she let him hold her hand  
when they walked and that seemed to please him enough. They finally got home via  
the Dragon Nebulae and called in on Trin who was retaking his degree for the sixth  
time. Everyone in the Freak family had their fingers crossed for him to scrape a pass.  
They landed outside his tiny flat to wish him luck.  
  
"Hey Hils! You're back." said Trin, rushing outside and getting momentarily distracted  
by the great parking job Hilarity had pulled off. He wished he could parallel a space  
ship like that.  
  
"Yep, I thought I'd stop by to say good luck and I hope you pass that economics degree  
you've been doing."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"You're not deliberately failing so you won't have to get a job, are you?"  
  
Trin looked shocked and hurt "Well really! What do you take me for?"   
  
"Sorry, dude. I just find it very hard to believe that someone can fail five times in a  
row. I know you can do this, you just need to put some effort in."  
  
"Fine, whatever." Trin sighed. He hated it when people implied he was a lazy little  
sod. It was all true but he didn't need reminding "Jareth asked for you by the way. He  
said it was important and he wants you to come over as soon as possible."  
  
"Well I can go right now, I guess. So anyway if you want some help revising, I'd be  
more than happy to..." she was already gone.  
  
******  
  
"...lend you a hand." said Hilarity as she and Thomas materialised in one of Sarah's  
chambers. "What the..?!"  
  
"Ah, you made it!" said Jareth who was sitting on an eighteenth century sofa next to  
his wife who was supporting a hefty bump.  
  
"Hi guys! How's it going?"  
  
"Oh it's been hell!" said Sarah "This thing's been kicking my insides like David  
Beckham on speed!"  
  
"Bloody hell! That can't be good. Have you thought of any names yet?"  
  
"Nope. Haven't got a clue." said Sarah.  
  
"How about Jareth Junior, then you could call him JJ!" Hilarity suggested.  
  
Jareth looked intrigued but Sarah shot him a scathing look "Er..no, that wouldn't be  
very appropriate."  
  
"How about Raphael?"  
  
"Too gay."  
  
"Melladria!"  
  
"Too naff."  
  
"Rudyard."  
  
"Definitely not!"  
  
"Strix Aluco, that's Latin for tawny owl."  
  
"No."  
  
"Ziggy?"  
  
"NO."  
  
"Well, I'm out of ideas. So what's this important thing you wanted to ask me?"  
  
Sarah smiled. "We were wondering if you wanted to be our child's godmother."  
  
Hilarity looked a little shocked but her expression soon changed to one of her carefree  
grins. "It would be an honour. I'd love to..." 


	5. The needle is mightier than the goat!

Chapter 5 - The needle is mightier than the goat!  
  
******  
  
Godmother! That was probably the weirdest idea Hilarity had ever encountered. The  
prospect of having a fairy godchild was both fascinating and terrifying. Would she be  
able to handle teaching a child all her earthly wisdom? Did she have any earthly  
wisdom? She smiled at little at the thought of taking a mini Jareth or Sarah for long  
walks through the Labyrinth and dispensing such valuable advice as : "If you're  
haircut goes wrong, wear a hat!" On top of all that there would be yet another birthday  
to remember. Thank god for ZEMAC's daily reminders. She couldn't help wondering  
who the godfather was going to be and prayed to high heaven that it wasn't Knossos.  
  
"What am I supposed to do with a Goblin Babe?" she thought.  
  
Later that evening, she and Sarah were trying to find out the baby's sex. There was no  
ultrasound in the Underground so they had to use some more medieval methods. This  
involved Sarah lying on the floor while Hilarity suspended a needle on a string above  
her stomach.  
  
"So, is it going from left to right or back to front?" her friend asked impatiently.  
  
"It's going round in little circles at the moment!" said Hilarity.   
  
"What does that mean?"  
  
"It means that this is a stupid idea and it doesn't work."  
  
"Well I heard this thing once where you can get this goat and..."  
  
"Um... no." said Hilarity bluntly. "I draw the line at livestock."  
  
"So, why did you bring Thomas here?" said Sarah changing the subject.  
  
"I dunno. I think he wanted to come with me. He's been behaving really weirdly  
recently. He's started smiling and helping me out and he's not drinking so much. I  
think he's developing a crush on me."  
  
"Well I'd have thought that was pretty obvious." said Sarah "He never stops looking at  
you."  
  
"It's nice to see he's getting better and I admit he's kinda cute in an abandoned puppy  
like way. But, I literally know nothing about him. Where he's from, his past. He  
doesn't event talk for Christ's sake."  
  
"Stranger things have happened." said Sarah...  
  
******  
  
They arrived at Hilarity's apartment a few hours later. Danny had been there during  
her trip and had removed all his stuff. He had left his key on the kitchen table with a  
note and some money that he owed her. She had to admit that her ex was a very  
honourable person. It was nice to think that they had both accepted that their  
relationship had been fun while it lasted but the time had come to move on...   
  
Not being bothered enough to cook, she ordered a Chinese. The planet Zea was  
experiencing a bit of an Earth fad and elements of Earth culture were popping up all  
over the city. Hilarity liked to think that her book had started all this off but knew  
deep down that it was only a tiny factor in this unusual fashion. there were plenty of  
other Earth fans around at the time. She now took great pride in saying "Oh yes, I  
adore Earth culture. But I was into it before it was cool." The cuisine side of things  
was a bit of a poor imitation. Seeing as meat was rare on Zea (pun not intended) so  
nearly everything was replaced by tofu and shellfish. The food arrived and she and  
Thomas lazed in front of the TV.  
  
"So what have we got here?" she said "Tofu fried rice with peas, satay molluscs, and  
krill in black bean sauce. Fantastic." They ate in silence for a while. Hilarity was about  
to teach her companion how to use chopsticks, but found to her astonishment that he  
already knew how.  
  
"I think I've underestimated you, kiddo!" she said. "I think you're far more intelligent  
than you let on. Not that you do let on, of course." Thomas gazed at her curiously  
"Can you talk? Perhaps you don't want to or maybe you're telepathic..." no response  
"OK, suit yourself."  
  
Thomas watched her as she leaned back in her seat. She reminded him of his wife  
when they were younger, long before he had left her behind and failed to save her. The  
way she wore her hair and moved her hands when she talked. That night when she  
danced with him, she brought back blurred memories of the only time that he was  
truly happy, and for that reason, he loved her. Each day was getting clearer and each  
day the guilt began to fade. Hilarity watched with astonishment as he typed some  
commands into ZEMAC's remote control. The TV image on the screen went dark and  
her speakers rose up from their compartments in the floor. Suddenly the room was  
filled with music. "Standing in the Shadows of Love" by the Four Tops. Her favourite  
song. How did he know? Thomas took her by the hand and they slow danced on top of  
the coffee table. They both had to admit that it was the best time they'd had in years... 


	6. Another visit to the author

Chapter 6 - Another visit to the author  
  
******  
  
A/N - Hiya! This has nothing to do with the story but I was wandering around the  
garden where my dad works and noticed it had an uncanny resemblance to the  
Labyrinth complete with its own owl that lives in the roof of one of the barns. I  
thought it would be quite cool to write a little bit about it. Anyways, I'm running all  
over the place this week so I won't be able to update until Wednesday at the earliest.  
Bye!  
  
******  
  
Lily made the finishing touches to chapter five and decided to call it a night. She had a  
very important college interview the next day and was determined to make a good  
impression. To top it all off, her art exam was only three weeks away. Christ! That  
was quick. Just then, her dad walked in excitedly,  
  
"Lil, you've got to see this. The owl's come back!"  
  
"What owl?" she said with astonishment.  
  
"The one at the big house that I built a nest for."  
  
"Oh, that owl."  
  
The big house was across the road from Lily's house. Her father worked in the garden  
but the owner was never around. Probably one of those millionaires who are  
constantly on the move for tax reasons. As she followed her father into the garden, the  
sun was already setting and dusty orange rays shone from between the trees. The  
garden looked strange in the evenings, especially in the winter when the sun was still  
bright but there was a deathly chill to the air. The morning frost still hadn't left the  
ground and sparkled like glitter in the twilight. The garden was made up of a network  
of walls and hedges decorated with grotesque statues here and there. At the far end it  
gradually led into a wild forest. Her father led her to a big ewe tree, one of the oldest  
outside the New Forest. There, perched majestically on one of the lower branches, was  
a large barn owl.   
  
"Wow," the girl gasped. "He's amazing!"  
  
"Better than those screech owls we saw in Normandy." her father agreed. "I'm hoping  
if this one finds a mate, they might roost here. It almost looks like that on in that film  
you like."  
  
"Yeah, he does a bit."  
  
"What do you mean a bit?" said the owl "I'm the real deal!"  
  
"I beg you're pardon?" said Lily in manner suggesting shock.  
  
"I said, he looks a bit like the owl in that film of yours." her dad repeated and went  
back to clearing some fallen branches a few yards away.  
  
"He can't hear me." said the owl.  
  
"Oh." said Lily, making a mental note to stop eating so many green fruit pastilles.  
  
"Are you that writer who does those alien stories?"  
  
"Um...yes. Are you..?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"I somehow got the impression that you were deviating from the plot of you're latest  
little work. You haven't even got to the Naming ceremony yet!"  
  
"I'm getting there! Give me time."  
  
"And goats! What was that about?" said the owl.  
  
"I like goats!" Lily protested.  
  
"Oh shut up. Just stop the Hilarity/Thomas crap and get on with it!" and with that the  
owl flew away between the trees.  
  
"Well that was weird!" said Lily quietly and decided to go home for a lie down. 


	7. A sequence of seemingly unrelated events...

Chapter 7 - A sequence of seemingly unrelated events!  
  
******  
  
A/N - Hi guys! I'm back and I've been offered a place at college! Good God! Do they  
know what they're letting themselves in for? I haven't been able to read your reviews  
until now because my computer's a bit buggered, so belated thanks are in order... In  
reference to the livestock joke : it was a bit of an accident but I decided to use it  
anyway. I'm still thinking about the name and a fruit pastille is a sweet only found in  
Britain and its basically fruit jelly with a highly acidic sugar coating and they come in  
green, yellow, orange, red and purple.  
  
******  
  
Disclaimer - I do not own the Breville Monkey, it is the creation of comedian Ross  
Noble!  
  
******  
  
In an easterly direction from the Labyrinth there lies a far darker kingdom across the  
fetid waters of the river Tartarus. This is the land of the dead. Inevitable as the passage  
of time, yet still feared by every mortal being. At its heart lies a castle so dark that  
night would seem like day and day would seem like a nuclear explosion. A dark figure  
with a dark purpose sat on the throne in the castle's main hall. It's fingers twitched  
slightly as it stood up and let out a terrifying howl.  
  
"DARREN! DARREN! Where the **** is that kid?" it wailed woefully in an  
unusually brummie accent, effortlessly pronouncing a row of stars.  
  
"Yes your evilness?" said a small creature with horns and cloven hooves as it scuttled  
into the room.  
  
"Is it ****ing time yet?"  
  
"Um...not yet my Lord. Still another month to go, I'm afraid."  
  
"****!"  
  
"Yes indeed, my Lord. I also grow weary from the anticipation."  
  
"I'm ****ing hungry. Fetch me my Monkey."  
  
"I'm afraid he's very tired my Lord."  
  
"Fetch him, I say!"  
  
"Oh very well then." the little demon known as Darren clapped his hands twice  
"Breville Monkey!!" he called. Immediately an ape-like screeching could be heard  
echoing throughout the hallway. The mighty door opened and a little monkey with a  
Breville sandwich toaster attached to its leg hopped in. Darren sighed. This was  
another of his masters evil yet totally pointless experiments. He could remember a  
time when the Prince of Darkness actually meant something to the living, but now his  
overlord had been slowly eaten away by artistic licensee and too much rock and roll.  
Not for long though. Soon the prophecy would be fulfilled and the chosen one would  
be born. This child would be apprentices in the natures of hell and lead the demon  
hoards to a new reign of terror and destruction... But for now he had to watch his  
master eat a toasted sandwich made by a horribly deformed monkey...  
  
******  
  
Hilarity had decided to try and find out a bit more about her alien admirer. She had  
bought a holographic map of the galaxy and some films to try and coax Thomas into  
revealing his homeland and culture. The alien stared blankly at the miniature swirling  
mass of stars that was projected above the kitchen table.  
  
"Anywhere look familiar?" asked Hilarity as the constellation of Orion passed through  
her arm. Still no reaction from Thomas. "You're not helping, you know." she said  
irritably. Thomas looked at her guiltily and fiddled with the buttons on the map.  
Immediately the image zoomed out to show several of the surrounding galaxies. He  
pointed a long, skeletal finger at one of the nearest points of light.  
  
"Andromeda!" Hilarity gasped. "You're from Andromeda? But that's impossible!  
Ships can't travel that far!" Thomas just blinked. "No wonder you don't recognise  
anything here. How the hell did you get here?" this seemed to provoke a reaction and  
the creature began to tug at her sleeve excitedly. He grabbed one of her notepads and  
started scribbling something down in an alien language. Hilarity watched with  
astonishment as he produced pages and pages of designs and equations, each one more  
brilliant than the next. "Bloody hell, kiddo. Why didn't you just do that to begin  
with?" said Hilarity. She looked at his drawings. Most of them were very confusing  
but followed some basic principles that she had studied at University. Among them,  
there was designs for matter transference beams, fueless engines and self developing  
photographic film. Things that even the Zean race had only just touched the surface  
on.  
  
This beautiful moment was somewhat destroyed when the door crashed open and Trin  
sauntered in looking very pleased with himself.  
  
"Hmmm...someone looks happy today." said Hilarity.  
  
"I should say so. I just passed my economics exam!"  
  
"Oh! That's brilliant! Well done."  
  
"Thanks. So what's going on here then?" he said looking at the sketches on the table.  
  
"Oh nothing!" said Hilarity knowing that Trin wouldn't believe that there was an  
Andromedean living with her in her flat. She quickly put the drawings away in her  
bag.  
  
"Did you see Jareth and Sarah then? I assume that's where you went after you  
(literally) disappeared."  
  
"Oh yeah! I've been asked to be a godmother. Imagine that. It's so weird to think that  
they're actually having a kid."  
  
"I know. The spawn of the Goblin King. They'll probably call it Damien or  
something."  
  
"I wouldn't put it past them." laughed Hilarity. 


	8. Delivery and Deliverence

Chapter 8 - Delivery and Deliverance  
  
******  
  
A/N - Hiya! Thanks for the reviews. And from some reliable sources (Daemon faerie queen) fruit pastilles are perfectly safe *clutches stomach and falls under table* *re-emerges as a blue hairy monster* anyway here is chapter 8. I hope it explains a few things....  
  
******  
  
That evening, Trin slept over. His cousin was more than happy to let him stay as she  
was secretly appalled at his usual living conditions and had seriously considered  
calling the health and safety people in. Trin's flat was just like a larger version of his  
old room when he was still living with his parents. Instead of sitting proudly at the  
corner of Kobke Terrace like the other ten thousand flats on his block, Trin's place  
seemed to lurk suspiciously like an old drunk. However this little arrangement was not  
very convenient for Thomas who found himself evicted from his usual sleeping spot  
on the sofa and was faced with a rather uninviting, curry stained rug. He peered into  
Hilarity's room, the door had been ajar. The city skyline glittered from her window  
and the orange light picked out the contours of her sleeping form. A blue, silk encased  
arm dangled from the bed and a fingernail barely touched the fibres of the carpet  
below. He longed to hold that hand again or to feel that arm around his neck in a  
warm embrace. He wanted to scream and wake her up, tell her every single detail of  
his life and what he felt for her. But he knew couldn't yet. It might scare her away.  
Suddenly she stirred and a gleaming purple eye opened and looked straight at him.  
Thomas jumped guiltily at the realisation of being caught. Truth be told he had always  
watched her sleep. Even in the early days he had found her fascinating and secretly  
hated her boyfriend for being the object of her love and taking it all for granted. His  
crush sat up and raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Did Trin kick you out?" she giggled. Thomas nodded forlornly. She pulled back the  
covers. "Come on. Just don't hog the blanket, OK." the alien cautiously climbed onto  
the bed "So, you're from Andromeda. Mr Newton, you never cease to surprise me. Not  
only are you from another planet, you're from another galaxy! You're not just an alien,  
you must a super alien or something." her companion just smiled and slowly wrapped  
his arms around her waist. To his surprise, she didn't seem to mind and he relished her  
warmth and the faint smell of soap that hung in the air. Hilarity was quite shocked by  
the feeling she was experiencing. It had been an eventful day and her heart raced with  
excitement at what had happened. There had never been visitors from other galaxies  
before, that sort of thing was the stuff of legend. The creature she had lived with for  
the past six years and had always considered to be a pet more than anything else,  
could be the most important discovery her planet could ever make. Inter-galactic  
contact! With that thought she drifted off to sleep...  
  
******  
  
Deep down in a toxic cloud of fire and brimstone a lonely voice moaned:  
  
"It is Time! Well that was ****ing easy!"  
  
"Not quite, my lord!" said Darren nervously as his hooves clicked on the smoky  
flagstones.  
  
"What the **** are you doing?"  
  
"I've been taking tap dancing lessons, your evilness." said Darren.  
  
"Well stop, it's been doing my ****ing head in!"  
  
"Yes, my lord. I'm afraid there's one tiny problem with our plan..."  
  
"What kind of problem?"  
  
"The chosen one is the child of the Goblin King, your putridness."  
  
"WHAT THE **** !!"  
  
"He'll be too well protected in the Labyrinth, we won't be able to get him out."  
  
"OH! ****! You and your ****ing ideas, Darren!"  
  
"Don't worry, my lord. There is still hope. We could either lure him outside the  
Labyrinth's walls which is a bit risky seeing as we have no power in the daytime or....  
someone could damn him..."  
  
"OF COURSE!" said the dark figure then paused uneasily "Um... How do we do  
that!?!"  
  
"We make him so unpleasant, someone's bound to say the right words, especially with  
the more relaxed views on cuss words nowadays my lord."  
  
"**** that!"  
  
"...Yes. Anyway all someone needs to do is say "Damn that child to Hell!" and the  
prophecy will be complete."  
  
"And that's it?" said the figure who seemed very confused at what seemed to be his  
own kingdom.  
  
"Not quite..."  
  
"WHAT NOW?!"  
  
"The evil laugh, my lord." suggested Darren. His master seemed to understand this  
part and peels of fiendish mirth echoed throughout the Land of the Dead...  
  
******  
  
There was chaos about the castle the next morning. Sarah had just gone into labour  
and the midwife had been called. Jareth paced around outside anxiously, not liking  
being kept in the dark. He gracefully waved an arm and a very sleepy alien, in silk  
pyjamas, with a cup of coffee in one hand and some toast in the other, appeared out of  
thin air.  
  
"Eh...wot!" Hilarity mumbled irritably and looked around her and whined "Dude! It's  
seven in the morning!"  
  
"I know. It's just that Sarah's gone into labour and they won't let me help an to be  
honest I'm..."  
  
"Terrified?"   
  
"How did you know?"  
  
"You learn a lot about people when you turn into them for a day." said Hilarity with a  
thoughtful nod. It was true, the metamorphosis had taught her a lot of things about her  
friend including his secret liquorice allsort addiction which had lingered in her blood  
stream for weeks after she returned home. "So what's happening?"  
  
"I don't know, they just keep bringing in loads of boiling water. What does that  
mean?"  
  
"Search me, mate."  
  
"Well you're a woman aren't you?"  
  
"Nice of you to notice but I'm afraid human pregnancy is not my strong point."  
Hilarity laughed.   
  
Just then the midwife crashed through the large gothic doors, quite red and out of breath.  
"Your Majesty! It's a boy!"..... 


	9. Finally the kid gets a name!

Chapter 9 - Finally the kid gets a name!  
  
******  
  
A/N - Yes it's that chapter you've all been waiting for. The kid gets a name. Woohoo!  
This took some serious thought mind you seeing as my muse was out until the wee  
hours last night and has a serious hangover.  
  
******  
  
Hilarity and Jareth peered around the door doing their best not to make a sound. Sarah  
lay on the bed looking thoroughly exhausted.  
  
"Never again!" she moaned "I refuse to do that again. Not in a million years."  
  
"That's quite all right, my darling." said Jareth as the midwife handed him the baby.  
"This one's more than I could ever have wished for."  
  
"Oh, he's lovely!" whispered Hilarity but quickly realised that she's never seen a  
human new-born before or a fae for that matter and added "Is he supposed to look like  
that?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"OK then."  
  
******  
  
"They called him what?!" exclaimed Trin when his cousin returned.  
  
"Caradoc. I think it means beloved in some fae language." Hilarity repeated. "Anyway,  
what do you care?"  
  
"Just curious. Caradoc's a bit of a mouthful isn't it? What's wrong with Humphrey?"  
  
"Hmmm...I agree." said Hilarity "So do you want to come to the Naming Ceremony?  
We might have to stay for a few days before. You know, to do some  
godmother/godchild bonding."  
  
******  
  
"They called him what?!" said the Prince of Darkness after the news was delivered to  
him.  
  
"Caradoc, your evilness." said Darren patiently.  
  
"What a ****ing poncy name!"  
  
"We can change it when he gets here to something more suitable for a destroyer of  
worlds." said Darren.  
  
******  
  
A few weeks passed and preparations for the Naming Ceremony were well underway.  
Hilarity, Trin and Thomas arrived with luggage in tow and were met with a friendly  
reception but unusually there were very few guests.  
  
"Where are all the weird people?" said Trin with surprise. Weird they may have been  
but at least the women put out.  
  
"Oh, it's close friends and family only." said Hilarity "And Sarah doesn't want her son  
to be exposed to those kinds of people."  
  
"They seemed all right to me."  
  
"Come off it, Trin. They make you look like a bloody angel!"  
  
"What about the sneeze guy?"  
  
"Who? Oh Knossos!"  
  
"Gesundheit."  
  
"He refused to come. Can't figure out why?" she grinned evilly and for a split second  
her eyes changed from pale lavender to an arrogant mismatched stare.  
  
"Christ! Don't do that! It's creepy. No wonder the troll dude got frightened off." This  
conversation was cut off when a voice behind them cried:  
  
"Miss Dvorak!" Hilarity spun around and came face to face with Sarah's family, her  
previous employers. She had forgotten to tell them her real name, or the fact that she  
was an alien. The subject had just never come up.  
  
"Mr Williams! Hi."  
  
"What brings you here?"  
  
"I am the kids *ahem* official godmother."  
  
"Really!" said Toby (now nine) excitedly "That's great because I'm the godfather!"  
  
"Hey! That's great, kiddo."  
  
"So what are we supposed to do?"  
  
"Well from what I've heard, I'm supposed to grant wishes and you're supposed to order  
the deaths of gangsters." Hilarity joked. 


	10. Disaster!

Chapter 10 - Disaster!  
  
******  
  
The evening went surprisingly well compared to all the other family get-togethers the  
aliens had been to. Trin's dad had a nasty habit of getting drunk and dancing to theme  
tune to Star Trek. Unfortunately it did have its drawbacks because she was stuck  
talking to Sarah's stepmother and all she did was complain. Eventually she lost her rag  
with the woman and adjusted an icy grin.  
  
"So how does it feel to be a grandparent?" she said snidely, obviously hitting a nerve  
and the angry little woman stormed off. Toby had been vying for her attention all day  
and eagerly told her about his German pen friend, Hans and how he had taken 'Bogies'  
to an international level. Cute kid. Thomas had curled up into ball on the floor and  
fallen asleep.  
  
"Who's your weird friend?" asked Toby.  
  
"Oh, that's Thomas. He's from another galaxy, you know."  
  
"He doesn't do much." said the young boy.  
  
"Things aren't always what they seem, Tobes. I thought he was a house pet for years  
but it turns out he's more intelligent that everyone here put together."  
  
She was interrupted when a large ball of fire emitted from Caradoc's crib that had  
been given pride of place at the centre of the room. The flaming projectile hit Trin  
square in the backside and the baby chuckled gleefully.  
  
"He cast his first spell, that's so cute!" cried Sarah.  
  
"No need to guess who that kid's father is." Hilarity mumbled in Toby's ear which  
made him giggle.  
  
"OW!" Trin shouted, trying to stop his trousers from smouldering. Another fireball.  
"Hils, help!"  
  
Hilarity approached the crib cautiously. "Now that was naughty, wasn't it?" she said  
firmly "We don't set fire to uncle Trin." she quickly ducked when another fireball flew  
out from the cradle. She could smell burning hair. Funny, you never appreciate  
eyebrows until they're gone, she thought. The baby continued to chuckle, delightedly.  
  
"Oh! Damn that child to Hell!" Trin yelled angrily. He was about to complain more  
when he realised that everyone was looking at him in shocked silence. A menacing  
black cloud began to seep through the flagstones and the cradle was surrounded by a  
circle of flame. When the fire had died down everyone caught a glimpse of Caradoc  
being carried away by a man who looked suspiciously like Ozzy Osbourne. Sarah  
screamed and fell to the floor. The various Goblins who had been serving drinks  
rushed around in a panic.  
  
"Um, what just happened?" said Hilarity nervously. Jareth hadn't moved through all of  
this but suddenly he sprung into action and grabbed Trin by the collar and shook him  
violently.  
  
"HOW DARE YOU!!!" he yelled "YOU JUST SENT MY ONLY SON TO THE  
LAND OF THE DEAD YOU FISH BRAINED PRAT!"  
  
"Steady on!" cried Hilarity "Let's just be civil about this."  
  
"Damn you to Hell!" Jareth shouted, still concentrating on Trin and the youth  
disappeared in the same cloud of black smoke. A few cinders smouldered on the floor  
where Trin had been standing... 


	11. You can't just leave the Land of the Dea...

Chapter 11 - You can't just leave the Land of the Dead!  
  
******  
  
A/N - A very short chapter this week. I was momentarily distracted by some math  
homework. Damn education! Anyway, a big thank you to Clover the Sea-Beast,  
Augusta and Deamon Faerie Queen for sticking with this story and for all the positive  
feed-back. You guys rock!  
  
******  
  
In the depths of hell, the demon hoards wailed with glee as their Prince held the baby,  
their future leader, for all to see.  
  
"Ah! He truly has the look of greatness!" said one.  
  
"With a successor this powerful, why stop at the Underground? We could take on the  
human world too!" said another.  
  
"Yes, my subjects!" cried the Prince of Darkness "Once he is trained we will have no  
limit to our power."  
  
"He doesn't look that powerful to me." said Darren "He's a lot smaller than I thought."  
As if he had understood the insult, Caradoc cast one of his (now favourite) fire balls  
which narrowly missed Darren, singeing off his goatee.  
  
"He's ****ing lively, this one!" said the Prince of Darkness, thoroughly pleased to see  
his dorky servant get hurt "I think I'm going to like him."  
  
The celebrations were about to continue when an extremely shocked young Zean  
appeared in the middle of the throne room floor. It was the fool who had damned the  
child in the first place.  
  
"Who the **** is that?!?" said Satan....  
  
******  
  
Hilarity stared at the pile of ash that had taken Trin's place then at Jareth. She didn't  
need an explanation as to what had happened. To damn someone to hell was to banish  
them to the land of the dead for all eternity. She quickly turned on her heels and left,  
determined not to lose her temper, that wouldn't solve anything. Jareth noticed her  
distress and followed her out into the garden. When he found her she was pruning the  
living crap out of an old rosebush.  
  
"Hilarity. I can explain..." he started but stopped short at the exasperated look she  
gave him.  
  
"Please don't." she said quietly "I understand why, but that doesn't make it any more  
acceptable."  
  
"So, what now?"  
  
"We're going to save them." said Hilarity bluntly, Jareth had never seen her get angry  
before and was slightly unnerved at how calmly she was behaving. "I don't know  
what's going to happen afterwards, though..." she continued.  
  
"We can't save them. That's impossible! They're in the Land of the Dead! You can't  
just leave the Land of the Dead!"  
  
"There's a first time for everything." scowled Hilarity, she wasn't angry at anyone in  
particular, mostly it was this buggered up place and its stupid little obsession with  
poetic justice. "Are you with me or not?"... 


	12. The Quest Begins!

Chapter 12 - The Quest Begins!  
  
******  
  
A/N - Hiya! Extra long chapter today. My imagination got a little carried away.  
Augusta - That was a very good idea about Trin and I might use it as a sub-plot. Cheers! In reference to your question, Caradoc is a Celtic word meaning 'beloved'...or Gaelic, I'm not sure!  
  
******  
  
After hours of continuous research the journey was eventually planned. Hilarity  
looked at the map with disbelief as the amount of ground they had to cover was  
roughly the same size as Ukraine. Basically they had to reach what was known as the  
transition world, known to the locals as Nemuria, where the living and the dead  
walked hand in hand. After that border, closely guarded by the Uscat Mountains, was  
crossed any kind of magic the traveller might possess was immediately taken away  
from them and they had to continue the journey on foot. Then they must follow the  
River Tartarus backwards till they found its source. The entrance lay near there but no  
one was sure where. Finding the Land of the Dead was not at the top of these  
Geographers' agenda.  
  
"Good God! That's difficult!" cried the girl with despair. "Isn't there any other way?"  
  
"We could die, of course. Would you prefer that?" said Jareth, there was an  
embarrassed silence. "I didn't think so."  
  
After they had finished their planning, Sarah reluctantly agreed to stay behind and  
look after the kingdom. It had actually taken about three days worth of convincing but  
she was in no state for travelling that kind of distance and her protection was vital.  
  
They were about to leave, backpacks at the ready when Thomas suddenly grabbed  
Hilarity y the ankles and  
refused to let her go.  
  
"I guess we should let him come." she said.  
  
"That waste of space?!" cried Jareth angrily.  
  
"He could be useful. He's much more intelligent than he looks!" Hilarity objected.  
  
"How come the alien can go but I can't?" Sarah complained.  
  
"Because he hasn't just given birth, that's why."  
  
"I told you, I'm fine!"  
  
"And I told you no."  
  
Eventually Hilarity convinced her friend to let her pet come along and the original two  
became three as they were transported to the Underground/Nemurian borders. The  
pass was tiny and you had to climb about two hundred feet just to get a glimpse of the  
other side. The two jagged mountains stood ominously like guards on either side of it,  
each one nearly four thousand metres tall. The midday sunshine of their current world  
seemed to end abruptly as it reached the top of the mountains and was faced head on  
by seething black clouds as unstable as uranium.  
  
"Are you sure this is the easiest way in?" said Hilarity frostily. "Couldn't we just  
knock?"  
  
"It's the only way we can get in without actually dying." said Jareth "And even then it's  
pretty risky."  
  
Hilarity blinked nervously "Well, here goes." She said and they began to climb the  
rocky path. The further they went the steeper the path became and the healthy trees of  
the foothills thinned out to become spindly corpses of their former selves until the  
land was almost bare. Incidentally the mountain on the left side of the pass was named  
Bear Mountain due to a minor yet serious spelling error. It didn't matter in the long  
run but the place received much more tourism than it really deserved. This was a place  
where witches met, upon the foggy crags and severed branches. The sun began to set  
and a frail yet powerful voice echoed between the two worlds: "You mean everyone  
brought coleslaw!"  
  
"What was that?" Hilarity whispered, she was already feeling quite jumpy, the  
vegetation or lack thereof had left her slightly distressed.  
  
"It's a Sabbat meeting." explained Jareth "There's tones of them around here. Don't  
worry, witches don't harm people if they don't bother them....or if you refuse to offer  
them tea and biscuits." Hilarity smiled. Jareth wasn't her favourite person at the  
moment, but it was nice to have familiar face around, especially one who knew what  
was dangerous and what wasn't. They carried on in silence, partly because of the  
exhausting climb and partly because their rage had not yet calmed down. Arguments  
could still be spotted on the horizon and neither of them wanted to jeopardise the  
other's forgiveness. They finally reached the top and were encountered by a large  
stone wall that blocked whatever gap there was between the two Uscats. There was no  
way through except for an iron gate with hundreds of very nasty looking spikes along  
the sides and top. Next to it was an unusually modern toll booth! As they got closer  
they noticed a tiny demon sleeping inside it.  
  
"Excuse me?" said Hilarity and the creature suddenly jumped three feet in the air and  
let out a little squeal of surprise.  
  
"Yes?" it said after it had composed itself.  
  
"My friends and I would like to cross this border please."  
  
"You putting me on!" said the demon in disbelief. It was obvious that they weren't.  
"Well, it's you're funeral. Pun intended." he laughed fiendishly.  
  
"So, are you going to let us pass?"  
  
"It's not that simple." said the demon "First you must answer my riddle."  
  
"Can't we just give you our passports?"  
  
"No! Answer me this : When you want it, you can't have it and when you have it, you  
don't know it..."  
  
Hilarity and Jareth thought about this for a moment but no inspiration came. Thomas  
soon got bored watching them trying to work it out and started to curl up in the long  
spiky grass.  
  
"Tom! Bad time to go to sleep!" his owner scolded.  
  
"That's it!" cried Jareth.  
  
"What? Thomas?"  
  
"No, sleep. That's the answer."  
  
"Of course! He hardly ever sleeps during the day. He must've been trying to tell us the  
answer." she turned back to the demon "Is it 'sleep'?"  
  
"Bugger it!" said the demon crossly and pulled a large lever inside the booth. The  
gates swung open with an eerie creak. On the other side lay hundreds of miles of the  
harshest terrain the three travellers had ever seen. Acres of barren fields, mixed with  
vast expanses of black forbidding forests, dotted with tiny, sombre villages dwarfed  
by mountains and the huge castles that lay at their highest point. Everything was dark  
and stormy and thoroughly depressing.  
  
"Christ! It's like that bit in the Wizard of OZ only backwards. We've gone from  
Technicolor to black and white!" mused Hilarity. 


	13. NO Magic!

Chapter 13 - NO Magic!  
  
******  
  
Jareth, Hilarity and Thomas continued to stare in awe at the seemingly infinite world  
that sprawled out below them. They were about to cross the threshold when the demon  
yelled out to them to stop.  
  
"Oy! Haven't you kids forgotten something?" he said smugly "You! Blondie! Hand  
over the magic!"  
  
Jareth glared at the impertinent creature "Have you any idea who you're addressing?"  
he knew this was a stupid thing to say to a demon who generally held no respect for  
anyone whatsoever, but centuries of bullying little hairy creatures got the better of  
him. It was just habit.  
  
"Don't know, don't care." said the demon. "The rules say 'No Magic' that includes :  
conjuring, necromancy, bewitching, charming, black magic, white magic,  
mumbo-jumbo, sorcery, wizardry, illusions, voodoo...AND Goblin Magic!" he  
added with a grin as the Goblin King was about to object and hoped that no one would  
see his thesaurus carefully hidden carefully under his seat.  
  
"Better do as he says." said Hilarity. This was going to be a terrible stress on his ego.  
So what! He deserved it, she thought.  
  
"But we won't stand a chance!" he complained.  
  
"Yep! That's the plan." said the little demon happily. Jareth looked like he was about  
to say that it wasn't fair, then quickly stopped himself. The demon seemed to sense  
this and jeered at him "Hurts, don't it." it said. Jareth reluctantly made a crystal appear  
and handed it over. "Thank you. You're powers will be returned when you come out.  
That is...if you come out." the little bald creature with horns laughed maniacally and  
disappeared in a ball of yellow flame. Hilarity stared through the iron gates.  
  
"Nemuria." she said thoughtfully, mulling the journey over in her brain "Well, come  
one, feet!" she picked up her backpack and began to skid her way down into that dark  
world with the Goblin King a few paces behind her and a rather reluctant alien picking  
his way through the dying grass.   
  
Thomas was seriously regretting having tagged along on this one, but nevertheless he  
would not let his love face this ordeal alone. He admired her as she strode along the  
wild, almost non-existent path, silhouetted in the weak, pink sunset with her short-ish  
black hair blowing in the wind. God! He wished that other guy would just piss off.  
  
Soon the world turned black as opposed to its usual depressing grey. So much so that  
walking became impossible due to the jagged flints that littered the path, waiting  
impatiently for someone to stumble blindly and crack their skull.  
  
"We should stop and make camp." said Jareth "These roads are not safe at night." And  
it wasn't just the treacherous path either. This country was swarming with all kinds of  
monsters... They hastily made a fire and pitched their tent behind a large boulder.  
Hilarity continued to be silent through dinner and it worried him. She really was upset.  
That one moment of anger had cost him his only real friend.  
  
"What's this stuff?" Hilarity asked, suddenly breaking the silence. He looked round to  
notice she was indicating the food.  
  
"Goblin bread." He replied "It's not very nice but it travels well and it never goes off."  
  
"It's as hard as a rock! I think we'd replace 'Goblin' with 'sodding' or better yet 'Oh no!  
Not that sodding' and add 'again' at the end." Was that a joke? Was she back to her old  
self? She turned serious again "Jareth. I know what Trin did was wrong, but he didn't  
know any better and he certainly didn't deserve being sent away like that. In fact, it  
was practically my fault for not warning him."  
  
"No it was my fault! I acted too rashly. And I'm sorry."   
  
Hilarity knew he was being sincere, he only apologised when there was no alternative.  
"That's OK, dude. No point in arguing when there's babies that need rescuing..."  
  
"A perilous task that we can only accomplish if we work together!" said Jareth in a  
mock dramatic voice.  
  
"Relying solely on our wits and cunning to escape the many dangers that face us!" said  
Hilarity joining in and fighting off the giggles.  
  
"Boldly going where not even the Gods dare tread..." this was an old passage from one  
the Labyrinth's many myths and legends.  
  
"...where everything seems possible and nothing is as it seems..." Hilarity said "...but  
still we will triumph..." she was cut short by a blood curdling howl somewhere in the  
distance. The bravado talk was abandoned as the three of them scrambled into the tent  
with terror as fast as their legs could carry them... 


	14. The living, the dead, and the undead!

Chapter 14 - The living, the dead and the undead!  
  
******  
  
A/N to Clover the Sea-Beast : Good question! Yes he does but he forgot how to talk  
after he was tortured by the Earth scientists. Just to clarify.  
  
******  
  
The trio walked solidly for three days. Only stopping when the light no longer allowed  
them to continue. Then they would set up camp again, too exhausted to say anything  
or complain. They just ate and slept. The road was far too hard for pleasant  
conversation. Hilarity was just glad that she was sharing a tent with quiet sleepers.  
She wouldn't have been able to bear it if this journey was a repeat of the "snoring  
incident" that she had experienced one fateful week with her father. It was meant to be  
a pleasant camping trip, quality daddy/daughter time, taking photos and sleeping  
under the stars. And then the snoring started! Enough said.   
  
They covered about thirty miles a day. Forty if the weather was nice, which it wasn't.  
The land certainly gave off a deadly quality. Just miles and miles of craggy hills with  
the occasional dead tree, there was not a living soul apart from them. The birds didn't  
sing cheerfully like they did anywhere else in the world, but Hilarity could have sworn  
she had seen vultures circling. The weather as I said earlier was far from pleasant. The  
dark clouds never left the sky and the same pale light was always upon them. White  
forks of lightening split the sky in the distance. It looked like it was congregating in a  
certain place. That must've been the entrance to the Land of the Dead, she thought.  
There were few real dangers. Jareth had explained that most of the creatures lived in  
the forests.  
  
"We don't have to go though a forest do we?" Hilarity had asked nervously.  
  
"There's nothing but forest eventually." Came her reply.  
  
"Um....refresh my memory, but what kind of creatures live here?"  
  
"The living, the dead and the undead. They all have their bad sides."  
  
"Undead? Not vampires and stuff! Oh, damn it!"  
  
On the fourth day they finally reached civilisation and their moods lifted. They even  
considered kissing the ground. People! Houses! No more (sodding) goblin bread!  
However the elation soon wore off when they actually saw the village. The tern 'ghost  
town' had never been more appropriate. This was because half the inhabitants where  
spirits, and not the drinkable kind. It was basically a few groups of houses that clung  
to the outer walls of a particularly threatening castle. The people they encountered all  
seemed to be intent on getting home as if they were late for something. The sun was  
going down and they all had a sneaking suspicion about these people's anxiety. Still  
beggars can't be choosers and they quickly rented a room at town's (only) inn, the  
Seven Knells. The place was pretty empty. Both Hilarity and Jareth considered  
shouting out "Hey, who died?" but thought against it. From the few local who were  
there, they learned that the town was called Unterweg and that they were only a days  
walk from the river Tartarus, but when they asked questions about the nearby castle or  
the Land of the Dead or if he had seen any infant pyromaniacs anywhere, the barman  
nervously changed the subject.  
  
"Um....lovely weather we're having!" he whimpered as Jareth repeated his question.   
  
"No, not really. Now answer my question." He ordered, magic or no magic he could  
still put on his usual display of kingly confidence.  
  
The poor man trembled and whispered "It's too dangerous to talk here. Whatever you  
do, don't go outside at night or talk to anyone who does!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"You are in danger. They are watching you."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"His subjects."  
  
"Who's HE. Are you talking about...?"  
  
"SHH!!! Don't mention his name!" This was all he could get out of the terrified  
barman so he picked up the three pints of Guinness and joined the others. This was  
certainly a strange place.  
  
******  
  
The night closed in and after a hearty dinner of stew and mashed potatoes (which was  
unusually garlicky), the three of them retired to their room. There were only two beds  
and Jareth did not fail to notice how eagerly the other two were to pair up. He had to  
admit, they looked cute together.   
  
******  
  
Darkness.  
  
Silence.  
  
*Tap*  
  
Hilarity awoke. What time was it? Where was she? And what the hell was that thing  
grabbing on to her? Oh, night, freaky land, Thomas...right.  
  
*Tap*  
  
What was that?  
  
*Tap Tap*  
  
"Jareth!" she whispered. There was a sleepy groan. "Are you asleep?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Did you just make a noise?"  
  
"What noise?"  
  
*Tap*  
  
"That noise!"  
  
She heard Jareth shift around irritably "S'just the wind. Go back to sleep."  
  
Silence. Maybe it was...  
  
*Tap, Scratch, Tap*   
  
It was coming from outside the window.  
  
"Jareth....JARETH!!!"  
  
"WHAT?!?"  
  
"There's something out there!"  
  
"Oh for the love of...!" he lit a candle and stormed over to the window "There is  
nothing out there. Please watch while I demonstrate." He flung the window open...  
  
*BANG* "YEEEAAAARRGH!!!!" *CRASH*  
  
Hilarity rushed over and looked out the window. Outside on the ground lay a very  
pissed off looking vampire who had landed in such a position that he straddled the  
stake of a wooden fence that ran outside the building. Jareth must've pushed it off the  
windowsill when he opened the window. The pair of them winced. That's gotta hurt! 


	15. Monkey Magic

Chapter 15 - Monkey Magic  
  
******  
  
A/N to Augusta : Sodding is mild profanity which refers to the act of homosexual  
love, for want of a nicer description. Other ways of using it are "sod it" and "you randy  
little sod". Sorry you asked? As for Thomas's first words....patience little one, all will  
be revealed.  
I sincerely apologise to all Michael Jackson fans out there for any offence I may have  
caused in this chapter. I'm sorry. :-(  
Quick chappie today, I have at least ten angry teacher on my back.  
  
******  
  
Trin regained consciousness. Ah! The three blissful seconds he spent before he  
remembered why he was chained upside down in a dungeon.   
  
"Oh buggeration!" he groaned "That Goblin King is sooo dead!"  
  
"Nah! Would've heard otherwise." said a voice from the shadows. Trin struggled to  
turn around and face the speaker but failed. From the corner of his eye, he could see a  
hairy foot and what looked like a Breville sandwich toaster. "So, what brings you  
here?" said the voice, not unkindly.  
  
"Who are you?" cried Trin in terror.   
  
"Oh! How rude of me. I'm Monkey. What's your name?"  
  
"Trin." the alien sniffed.  
  
"Hello Trin. Why are you here?"  
  
"I damned a baby away."  
  
"Oh! The chosen one, I get it." said the Breville Monkey happily "I got locked in here  
because I toasted his Majesty's hand accidentally."  
  
"Chosen one?"  
  
"Yeah! That kid is destined for great things, so I've heard. He's going to lead the  
Demon Hordes in a rapid take over of the living world."  
  
Uh-oh! This was not good. Trin knew Caradoc could be a little devil but nothing like  
this! He hoped that Hilarity was on her way...  
  
******  
  
Meanwhile, Hilarity, Jareth and Thomas had begun their short journey to find the river  
Tartarus. The latter two were having a heated music discussion.  
  
"OK, and then he said in an interview that his album sounded like what you would get  
if you locked Sting, Stevie Wonder and Michael Jackson in a basement together." said  
Hilarity.  
  
"Christ! And I thought I was big headed!" Jareth laughed.  
  
"Well to be fair, it did sound like Sting, Stevie and Jacko...in the sense that it sounded  
like a Geordie and a Motown legend beating the crap out of a paedophile." they both  
burst out laughing.  
  
"Not quite because I would actually pay to listen to that." said Jareth. He realised that  
his friend had stopped giggling. He followed her gaze. There, a few hundred feet  
below them at the bottom of the valley lay the river. It didn't really suit being called a  
river, it was The River. The river Tartarus was to ordinary rivers what Apollo11 was  
to the wheel. Hilarity just looked at it. Eyes wide with wonder.  
  
"You know." she said "This place is making your Labyrinth look like slightly  
eccentric garden ornament. I hope you're taking notes." 


	16. Suicidal Salmon

Chapter 16 - Suicidal Salmon  
  
******  
  
Warning - This is a very scary chapter. But don't worry! Nobody dies in this story!  
  
******  
  
The trio followed the river upstream, knowing that the entrance to their destination  
was at its source. They didn't encounter anyone except the suicidal salmon that dared  
test the freezing, raw power of the river all for the sake of a bit of spawning. The road  
was easy enough but the weather was steadily getting worse and now it was raining  
heavily every day. Nobody said much, they were all too tired and wet and hungry. The  
incessant rain penetrated everywhere from their spare clothes to their sleeping bags  
and no amount of waterproofing could keep it out. Their supplies were running low  
(apart from the Goblin bread, but no one was prepared to eat that again) and Hilarity  
was beginning to get increasingly worried that they didn't have any kind of weaponry  
to speak of. To top it all off, Jareth was experiencing some mightily rotten withdrawal  
symptoms from his magic and was in a foul mood for most of the day. In short, they  
were bloody miserable.  
  
******  
  
That night they pitched their tent as usual, not far from the river and carefully  
protected by a circle of Holy Water. The storm raged outside and the rain pelted the  
canvas walls like arrows to a city under siege.   
  
"Well, that's the last of the whiskey." said Hilarity grimly, turning the flask upside  
down to check. Just then a torrent of water landed on her head. They had sprung yet  
another leak. "Oh this is ridiculous!" she quickly plugged it up with the spare sheet of  
plastic she used to line her back pack. It was pretty futile, seeing as everything was  
already saturated with water. In fact she was up to her ankles in it anyway. Wait a  
minute! Up to her ankles!!  
  
"Jareth, does this river have a nasty habit of flooding when you don't want it to?" she  
asked urgently.  
  
"I don't know. Why?" he replied, not really paying attention.  
  
"Because I don't think tents fill up with water on their own!" she cried.  
  
They both frantically tried to gather up their food and equipment and escape the  
rapidly rising waters. Jareth grabbed their belongings and made a dash for higher  
ground while Hilarity and Thomas tried desperately to dismantle the tent. But they just  
weren't fast enough. From somewhere upstream a crowd of rocks gave way, releasing  
another massive wall of water which crashed its way through the valley and engulfed  
them in its wild fury. Jareth arrived back at the quickly receding river bank, only to  
see his two friends get washed away....  
  
******  
  
Thomas opened his eyes. Everything was dark and cold. He tried breathing but  
realised in the nick of time that he was underwater and couldn't. He began to struggle  
as the panic hit him. Which way was up? He decided to take a wild guess and swam  
(somewhat inexpertly) in a random direction. He emerged, spluttering and gasping for  
air, only to be swept under again. The river was so powerful that it was a struggle to  
even keep your head above water. A tangled up sheet of tent canvas floated past him.  
To his sheer horror he noticed there was an arm hanging out of it. Hilarity! That was  
the very second that he sprang into action, blindly swimming after her, desperately  
hoping she wouldn't get caught in another underwater current. The river swept them  
further downstream until he finally caught her, dragged her head above water and  
frantically tried to untangle her from the tent. She wasn't breathing and had a large cut  
above her left eyebrow. They continued to accelerate downstream. If only there was  
something to grab hold off. Then he noticed a fallen tree whose branches reached just  
half way across the river. He fought off the urge to fall asleep from the cold and  
prepared to lunge for one of the branches. Still resisting the hypothermia he slowly  
dragged himself along the tree trunk with his free arm, always making sure his  
protectrice was safe. She had saved him from Earth a long time ago when he was on  
the run from both the FBI and the Interstellar Space Force. Being from another galaxy  
had made him an unidentified species to both organisations and both would no doubt  
have ended up dissecting him gruesomely. She had saved him, even though she didn't  
know it. Now, six long years later, he was returning the favour. To his love, the only  
reason why he was still alive.  
  
He crawled onto dry land, wheezing with exhaustion, Hilarity's unconscious form next  
to him. The last thing he remembered before he passed out was the feeling of her cold  
fingers in his palm... 


	17. Hoggle's House

Chapter 17 - Hoggle's House  
  
******  
  
A/N - Yes I know he's dead, but their in the Land of the Dead so technically I can  
bring back Sarah's friends. Confused? You should be!  
  
******  
  
Jareth had followed the river all night, but there was still no sign of the others and the  
rain was too heavy to see clearly. Even if they had been killed, they would not be  
gone, they just wouldn't be able to leave this world. The sun began to rise behind the  
clouds but there was little light to speak of. He could see some kind of movement in  
the distance on the other side of the river. It looked like a horse and cart. Perhaps the  
driver could help, or at least give him directions. Now how was he going to get across  
that river?...  
  
******  
  
Thomas started to regain consciousness. He heard the patter of the rain, a rumble of  
wheels and the steady rhythmic sound of horses hooves. He could hear a faint cursing  
from somewhere in front. He was obviously not alone. He then realised that he was  
lying in the back of a cart under a large canvas canopy like a covered wagon. He  
noticed that the cart was filled with all kinds of trinkets and niknaks. Mostly costume  
jewellery, but there were a few Christmas baubles there too along with some bags of  
old clothes and shoes. The person in front must be some kind of salesman. Hilarity  
was lying next to him, breathing quietly. Someone had bandaged her head and  
wrapped her in a ragged hessian blanket. He relaxed a little. At least she was going to  
be all right and he didn't expect their unseen rescuer to mean them any harm if he had  
given her medical attention, even if it was crude. She looked so peaceful, sleeping in  
the straw like that. Her long, spidery lashes casting darks shadows on her pale skin  
and a relaxed little smile was on her lips. He suddenly felt a great sense of purpose.  
Like he had finally succeeded in what he had failed to accomplish so many years ago.  
He had saved a loved one and never once hesitated or had been distracted like he had  
on Earth.  
  
Hilarity opened her eyes. Everything was blurred but she could still distinguish the  
skinny red-headed figure kneeling next to her and the gentle rocking movements of  
the vehicle she was in. She wasn't sure what was going on but somehow she felt safe.  
Her companion jumped to attention when she tried to move and squeezed her hand  
comfortingly.  
  
"Tom? Where are we?" she whispered "And why am I in a potato sack?" she added a  
little louder, fully coming to her senses and realising what she was covered with.  
  
"Don't worry, Hilarity. It's going to be all right." she had never heard that voice before  
but it somehow she had always imagined it would sound like it did just then. It was  
quiet, gentle and rather shy yet it still gave the impression of an intellect that far  
exceeded her own.  
  
"Tom! You spoke!" she cried, half with shock and half with delight. "Say something  
else."  
  
Thomas wasn't sure if he could talk again. He was a bit out of practise and he wasn't  
sure why or how he had talked the last time. But she was beaming at him so joyfully  
that he couldn't bear to disappoint her. The trouble was he could only think of one  
thing to say, all other thoughts had melted away with that smile.  
  
"I..." he stammered "I..."  
  
"Go on, don't be shy."  
  
Oh sod it! He had nothing to lose. "I love you!!" he blurted out then flinched at how  
stupid he had sounded.  
  
Hilarity looked confused and the smile vanished from her face. She looked as though  
she was about to say something but then suddenly the cart stopped and the little door  
at the back of it was flung open. They both came face to grumpy face with a small  
Gnome and the moment was pushed aside.  
  
"Ah! You're awake. I thought you two were goners." he said and wondered off into a  
little garden that surrounded a tiny cottage. The roses were terrible she noticed... He  
looked a bit familiar and Hilarity strained to remember where she had seen him  
before.  
  
"Excuse me?" she said, hopping out of the cart "Do I know you?"  
  
"Doubt it." said the Gnome "I would've remembered meetin' someone as unusual as  
you or ya friend."  
  
"That's rich coming from someone with nose hairs you could build a rope ladder  
with!" said Hilarity sarcastically. That was weird! The remains of the Metamorphosis  
seemed to recognise this creature too. Her train of thought was delayed while the  
Gnome continued to argue.  
  
"Well, excuse me!" he said, picking up a watering can and heading for a flower bed  
"Don't forget that if it wasn't for me, you would be wolves' meat by now, or worse."  
  
"Oh!" said Hilarity "Sorry, that was rude off me. Thank you for saving us."  
  
"No trouble at all." said the Gnome and winked "I particularly enjoyed the mouth to  
mouth resuscitation!"  
  
"You're horrible!"  
  
"No I ain't. I'm Hoggle! Who are you?"  
  
"My name's Hilarity and this is my friend Thomas." said Hilarity indicating the rather  
upset looking alien getting out of the cart.  
  
"That's what I thought." said Hoggle.  
  
Hoggle! That was the Gnome she'd squashed on her first trip to the Labyrinth. How  
could she have forgotten? He had been Jareth's gardener. Come to think of it... Where  
was Jareth?!?  
  
"Um...Higgle?"  
  
"Hoggle!"  
  
"Right. Have you by any chance seen our friend? We kind of got split up during the  
storm. He's about...so tall, big hair, mismatched eyes, answers to the name of  
Jareth...?"  
  
Hoggle froze and Hilarity noticed a little twitch in his right eye. It was stupid of him  
to be getting so upset over one name. His therapist had told him that he was  
experiencing post-death stress or PDS. What did he have to fear anymore. He was  
already dead, he had nothing to lose! Slowly, Hoggle calmed down.  
  
"Errr...No! I ain't seen anyone like that. You's best come inside." he said nervously  
and quickly ushered them inside his tiny cottage. 


	18. You're just after my cart!

Chapter 18 - You're just after my cart!  
  
******  
  
A/N - A little note of recommendation. If you have Labyrinth on DVD, try watching it  
in French. It was beyond funny.  
  
******  
  
The two aliens were quickly led into a cosy little kitchen and told to make themselves  
at home. Hilarity was far too tall for the house and bashed her head on the ceiling a  
couple of times before finally finding a chair while Hoggle busied himself by making  
some tea.  
  
"So what brings you here?" he said "You ain't dead. I can tell because you still have  
the spark."  
  
"The spark?" Hilarity questioned.  
  
"Now I sees you definitely ain't dead. The living don't need to know about the spark  
because they haves it and they take it for granted. But when your dead! Well, that's a  
different story."  
  
"But what is the spark?"  
  
"The spark is the energy what comes with life, the raison d'être ya might say. Yous  
got it. I ain't."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Bet you're wondering how I died, ain't ya?" said Hoggle.  
  
"Not particularly." said Hilarity, feeling a little guilty seeing as she had been the cause.  
  
"Well, I'm goin' to tell ya anyway. There I was, mindin' me own business when this  
gigantic silver ship just fell outa the sky an' landed right on top o' me!"  
  
"Nah! Really?" replied Hilarity fidgeting uneasily.  
  
"Yes really! But enough about me. Why are you here? And how comes you know  
'Him'? he said the last word in a low whisper as if he were scared to mention the name  
properly. The Metamorphosis that was still hidden deep inside Hilarity's brain saw a  
cruel opportunity to work this to her advantage.   
  
"Who? Jareth?" she said with mock innocence, an evil glint in her eye. Hoggle  
flinched again. It wasn't very nice having Essence of Goblin King inside you,  
everything became a moral battle and no matter how long ago the spell had been cast  
it never truly left you. Now Hilarity always had to watch what she said very carefully,  
not to mention constantly fight off the urge to smirk when things were going her way.  
She quickly stopped herself from torturing the poor creature any further "Well, we've  
come to rescue his son from the Prince of Darkness and my cousin, Trin. Although I  
have to admit that this was all his fault."  
  
"So he has a son now. My God! That's bad idea. Whose the unlucky lady?" the Gnome  
joked.  
  
"Sarah." she taunted. Bloody hell, the spell really didn't like this person, she had never  
been tempted to bully someone so much. No wonder the poor thing was so afraid of  
Jareth.  
  
"What!! She would never...If he's done anything to harm her..!!"  
  
"They got married last year, Heggle."  
  
"Hoggle!" said Hoggle angrily then sighed "I dunno. You die and everything changes  
and you can't do nothin'. I would never have let it happen if I'd been there." he looked  
very sad. Hilarity detected a hint of unrequited love.  
  
"I know, Hedgewart, I know." Hilarity said comfortingly and gave his hand a little  
squeeze.  
  
"Hoggle." the Gnome sobbed.  
  
"So are you going to help us?" the creature turned to her with a frightened look in his  
eyes. He was conflicted. He desperately wanted to help the friend he'd left behind but  
he didn't want to suddenly find himself in the company of a certain Goblin King and  
he certainly didn't want to go any closer to the Prince of Darkness' kingdom that he  
had to.   
  
"I can't. It's too dangerous. And anyway, you're just after my cart!"  
  
"Please." Hilarity pleaded "For Sarah's sake." she noticed he was looking at her silver  
wrist watch. She slipped it off and held it up to the light. "And if you help us get to the  
Land of the Dead, I'll give you this." That had sparked his interest but he tried to hide  
it.  
  
"OK, I'm in." said the Gnome. He could never resist a bauble. Bend his rubber arm... 


	19. Snow and Strangers

Chapter 19 - Snow and Strangers  
  
******  
  
A/N - Hi everyone! Thanks for the fab reviews. You're encouragement really means a  
lot. I wanted to end the suspense between Hilarity and Thomas today 'cause frankly  
they have to get together now, it's absolutely obligatory. But they won't snog until the  
end and that is final.  
  
No update tomorrow, I'm off to see Richard Ashcroft perform in London. See ya!  
  
******  
  
Night drew in around the little cottage while Hilarity and Hoggle planed the rest of  
their journey. Luckily, the house was only a few hours away from the market town of  
Warshangburg where they could stock up on anything they needed. After that it was  
only a quick trundle through the Forest of Fatality and they were practically at the  
entrance.  
  
"Although I wouldn't call it a quick trundle." Hoggle warned "That place is beyond  
wilderness and out the other side. And there's no need to guess why it's called the  
Forest of Fatality!" he said nervously.  
  
"What are you so worried about? You're already dead."  
  
"No need to get personal. And don't think you're so smart. Just because you're dead  
doesn't mean you can't feel pain."  
  
"Oh." said Hilarity. She wasn't really paying attention. All she could think about was  
what Thomas had said to her. The poor alien looked so crushed and awkward and he  
hadn't said a word since Hoggle had interrupted them. He just gazed unhappily into  
the fire in the living room and hardly touched his food that evening. Meanwhile,  
Hoggle was very eager to leave as soon as possible. She suspected that he was trying  
to avoid someone and she hoped that Jareth would be able to find them in time before  
he was left behind. The funny little Gnome carried on talking about nothing in  
particular. He recounted his adventures in the Labyrinth with relish especially the bit  
where he saved his friends from the giant robotic guard.   
  
"So how comes you know his royal pain the arse then?" he asked, fork in hand, when  
the tale was over.  
  
"I got wished away about seven years ago." replied Hilarity, her mind still elsewhere.  
  
"You're a bit old to be an unwanted child aren't ya!"  
  
"Yeah, that was also Trin's fault. And he totally failed to rescue me, he was about five  
hours too late."  
  
"So you work for him now?"  
  
"Nope. He let me go and we've been friends ever since."  
  
"Let you go! Are talking about the same person here?" Hilarity nodded "I dunno!  
you're dead for one second and everythin' changes."  
  
"That's just the way it is Hogwart."  
  
"Hoggle!"  
  
They spent the rest of the meal double checking their plans. A dusting of snow began  
to fall outside the window. Finally, Hoggle went to bed and left them alone with  
nothing but a tiny mattress and couch to sleep on. Neither of them were very comfy  
and there was no room for their legs. Still it was better than being outside.  
  
"Finally! I thought he'd never go." said Hilarity and laughed, trying to lighten the  
mood. It didn't work, her companion still looked very upset. Oh dear, she was crap at  
this... "Tom. That thing you said today. Did you mean it?"  
  
Thomas was stunned. Did she want him to admit it again? Her face that was usually  
so easy to read was devoid of emotion. Was she going to be angry with him for feeling  
that way or was she going to let him down gently and say that they could never be  
more than friends. In a way the second one was worse. He didn't think he could bear  
to be around her if he knew she couldn't love him. It would have to be all or nothing.  
Slowly he nodded.  
  
"Now what's the point in being able to talk if you're just going to nod?" said Hilarity  
quietly.  
  
Oh God! This was going to be painful but he knew he just had to get it over with. "I  
love you." he whispered half praying, half pleading for her to show some kind of  
reaction. She slowly got off the sofa and sat next to him on the floor. For the first time  
in the six years he had known her, she looked uncertain and lost for words. Her eyes  
seemed to portray an emotional battle and a flurry of thoughts made her irises flourish  
with a whole spectrum of colours until they finally settled back to purple. But now it  
was a softer, richer shade. She held out her hand and touched his cheek. Her long  
fingers explored the contours of his face then moved upwards and stroked his dark red  
hair.  
  
"I love you too." she murmured as their faces moved ever closer and for one tiny  
second their lips touched, only to be cruelly split apart when the front door was flung  
open. The slam vibrated throughout the building and a dark figure cast a shadow in  
the doorway while a freezing wind carried thousands of delicate snow flakes into the  
cottage, banishing all warmth from the room... 


	20. Midnight Madness

Chapter 20 - Midnight Madness  
  
******  
  
A/N - Hiya! I'm back. The concert was awesome. Landmark chapter here. Who'd have  
thought I'd get to twenty. Not me that's for sure! Anyway, I thought I'd take a moment  
to thank you for all the great reviews.  
  
Lisy - Thank you for taking the time to read these and I will definitely try that editing  
tip.  
  
books mom - Aww! Thanks, that really made my day. Here's a little joke for you:  
  
"Jareth probably isn't such a hoot but he certainly has the wit to woo!"  
  
Geddit! Oh never mind.  
  
Augusta - You just made me change the entire first half of this chapter to prove I'm  
not that predictable. It's petty, I know...but great fun and worth thinking about.  
  
******  
  
The door was flung open. The slam vibrated throughout the building and a dark figure  
cast a shadow in the doorway while a freezing wind carried thousands of delicate  
snow flakes into the cottage, banishing all warmth from the room... Hilarity jumped  
with fright and nearly hit the ceiling again. The shadow advanced slowly with a great  
sense of purpose. But, to their surprise it got shorter with every step until it was only  
four feet high...  
  
A young girl stepped into the room. She only looked ten years old and wore a striking  
red cloak.  
  
"Grandma?" she called, nervously. Hilarity, now recovered from the shock, stood up  
inquisitively.  
  
"Sorry kid. Wrong cottage." she said "Why don't you try number 17 down the road."  
the little girl happily obliged and scurried away into the night. "Oh! Watch out for  
the...." Hilarity was cut short by a blood curdling scream "....wolf." It was obviously  
too late so she closed the door and went back to her place in front of the fire where she  
sat next to Thomas. "Now where were we?" she said suggestively. His arms eagerly  
coiled around her waist as she once again held his face in her hands. They leaned in  
for another kiss...  
  
*CRASH* Another gust of freezing wind and another sinister shadow.  
  
"OH BLOODY HELL!!" yelled Hilarity "If your that sodding wood cutter, you've got  
the wrong house!"  
  
The figure entered the room but hit its head on the door frame and swore loudly. Hang  
on a minute! That voice seemed familiar. The mysterious person in question walked  
into the light and turned out to be an extremely bedraggled Goblin King, almost  
frozen from walking through the blizzard.  
  
"Jareth!"  
  
"Hilarity!"  
  
"I thought you were dead!"  
  
"I thought you were dead!"  
  
They embraced quickly. (A/N - Where Hilarity and Jareth hug it is always done in a  
manly fashion. That is to say : one arm over the shoulder, one arm under, two slaps on  
the back and pull away.)  
  
"How did you get here? How did you find us?" cried Hilarity, too distracted by the  
reunion to remember what had passed just moments before.  
  
Jareth winked "Magic, luv." he said conspiringly.  
  
"You can't do magic!"  
  
"Oh, can't I?"  
  
"No. You can't! That creepy little demon bloke confiscated it."  
  
The Goblin King looked a little embarrassed "I couldn't find you, but I noticed  
someone driving a cart on the other side of the river so I fashioned a crude raft by  
solidifying my sleeping bag with my last can of hairspray. Happy?"  
  
"Very!"  
  
"Good!" he collapsed on the sofa. Now could you be a dear and thaw me out." 


	21. Songs and Lemsip

Chapter 21 - Songs and Lemsip  
  
******  
  
Dawn approached as the tiny covered cart, pulled by a lonely mule, made its way  
across the hillside. It was nearly a mile away from the swollen river yet the deafening  
sound of its waters could still be heard and the land was still enshrouded by the wispy  
threads of water vapour that hovered above it. The sickly pink light from behind the  
clouds spread like a bruise across the sky and was followed by the dirty orange disk.  
The sun never seemed to put much effort into the Land of the Dead or its surrounding  
kingdoms. The cart, only made interesting because it was the only stirring object,  
plodded slowly to its destination. From their altitude, the passengers could see the  
whole of the region stretched out below them like a battle plan on a map.  
  
A passer by would notice the sign on the side of the cart saying "Hoggle's  
Halfe-pryced Haberdashery!" ...and the rather short man up front...and the three pairs  
of legs dangling out of the back. Hoggle was seriously pissed off when he found a  
Goblin King with a stinking head cold in his living room. The fact that this particular  
Goblin King was the same one who had terrorised him all his life did not help. Still,  
his two new friends had insisted that they bring him along and assured him of his  
safety and he soon found that Jareth was in no state to be casting spells. In fact, the  
chill he'd caught from being out in the cold had left him as weak as a kitten. A cheery  
voice echoed through the dales as they began to descend upon the wide expanse of the  
plains. It sang to the tune of 'Glory Glory Alleluia' :  
  
"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,  
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,  
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,  
And it goes just like this...  
  
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,  
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,  
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,  
And it goes just like this...  
  
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,  
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,  
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,  
And it goes just like this..."  
  
Hoggle continued to sing happily, occasionally changing his volume or tempo...  
  
"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,  
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,  
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,  
And it goes just like this..."  
  
"Will you shut up!" shouted Jareth to the Gnome up front.  
  
"No way! This might be the only time in my entire life when I can take advantage of  
your weakness... I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves..."  
  
"When we get home, Haggle, you're going to be in serious trouble!"  
  
"I'm not going home, remember. And if even if I was, this would be sooo worth it...I  
know a song that gets on everybody's nerves..."  
  
"Fine, sing then. See if I care!" said Jareth and blew his nose loudly. "Stupid lawn  
ornament." he muttered.  
  
"Now don't be rude." Hilarity scolded "You're just cranky 'cause you're ill. Take one of  
these." she handed him a capsule filled with a yellow liquid.  
  
"That's disgusting! What is it?"  
  
"Lemsip. Takes the edge off. And don't complain so much. It's not as if you've got the  
bubonic plague or anything. Everyone gets colds, now it's your turn."  
  
"Actually, I've never been ill." said Thomas suddenly "My planet annihilated disease  
when they found a vaccine that could immunise us against all kinds of harmful viruses  
and bacteria."  
  
Hilarity was enthralled at this idea but Jareth just glared at him.  
  
"I liked it better when you didn't talk." he mumbled spitefully. 


	22. Crop Circles, Conspiracy and Confessions

Chapter 22 - Crop Circles, Conspiracy and Confessions  
  
******  
  
A/N to Clover the Sea-Beast : Oh bollox, how did I do that. Don't worry I've fixed that  
little glitch. Incidentally in folklore male and female Dwarves look very similar and  
the whole mating ritual is to tactfully work out what sex the other dwarf is. So it is  
possible!  
  
No update tomorrow. I'm going to visit my cousin, Josh. Interestingly he was the inspiration for Trin's character...^_^  
  
******  
  
The cart moved on down the hill that was covered by a light dusting of snow. The  
weather, as Hoggle explained was very unusual and practically anything could happen.  
This turned out to be true when the sun suddenly burst out from behind the heavy  
clouds and the snow disappeared as fast as it had fallen.   
They spent the next few hours in silence, until they reached a large field of wheat. It  
was unusual for a crop to survive such unpredictable weather, but it was still the first  
sign of civilisation they had seen all day.  
  
"Oooh! Stop the cart! Stop the cart!" shouted Hilarity and jumped out onto the  
abandoned path. She winked at Jareth. "I know something that'll cheer you up." And  
with that she ran full pelt into the field, expertly stamping some bits and leaving the  
rest upright. She returned breathless and grinning like an exited child. Jareth noticed  
the perfect crop circle she had just made which contained a portrait of the four of  
them looking like they were having a jolly old time.  
  
"How did you do that?" he said with wonder.  
  
"When Trin and I were kids we used stop off on random planets and make these  
whenever we went on holiday. It was like, planet graffiti. The best one I ever did was  
a woman in a hula skirt and when the wind blew it looked like she was dancing." she  
said with pride "So, do you feel better?"  
  
"A little."  
  
"Just a little?" she looked disappointed, surely a crop circle would've cheered anyone  
up. "Fine...tell ya what! As soon as we get to Warshangburg we can get drunk and  
play table-football. Just remind yourself of that when you're feeling low."  
  
******  
  
"You mean they're still alive!?!" said the Prince of Darkness angrily "**** that  
****ing vampire. Didn't I say : Never send the undead to do a demon's work!"  
  
"Yes your evilness." said Darren miserably. He had been strung up by the hooves for  
this little moment of stupidity.  
  
"And a FLOOD! A ****ing flood!! What were you thinking?!?"  
  
"I wasn't your evilness!" Darren whimpered as his master threateningly pulled a record  
from its sleeve. "OH NO!!! NOT THE EASY LISTENING MUSIC!!!"  
  
"Oh Yes!"  
  
"I won't fail again! I swear on my mother's grave!"  
  
"Darren. Your mother's still alive and you hate her."  
  
"Fine! I swear on my stamp collection!"  
  
"Now that's more ****ing like it. This is your last chance, Darren, and I have the  
perfect plan to stop those ****ing meddlesome freaks from stealing the chosen one."  
  
******  
  
Trin looked up suddenly when he heard the screaming. "What was that?" he said  
nervously.  
  
"Well I'm an expert or anything," said the Breville Monkey "But I think that was the  
sound of an unfortunate demon getting strung up by the hooves and made to listen to  
Easy listening music!" Trin gasped with horror. "Don't worry. I'll put a good word in  
for you. Just count yourself lucky that your friends with the master's favourite snack  
maker."  
  
******  
  
"So where do you come from, Tom? What's it like?" said Hilarity. The two of them  
had started walking alongside the cart while Jareth slept off his headache. Thomas  
looked across at his new partner and smiled. She looked so wonderful. The midday  
sunshine picked out the dark blue highlights in her hair and her baggy combats rustled  
in the breeze along with her raincoat that she had tied around her waist...  
  
"Hellooo. Ground control to Major Tom. Will you please stop ogling me and answer  
my question." she joked.  
  
"Sorry." he replied sheepishly "What did you say?"  
  
"Where do you come from?" Hilarity repeated.  
  
The alien thought about this for a moment. "I can't remember exactly where." he  
confessed "I know it was towards the outer rim of Andromeda, but I've been drunk for  
so long, the rest is pretty hazy."  
  
"What do you remember then?"  
  
"There was a disaster. A drought! I think it had something to do with the star we  
orbited. It started to get unstable and threw out all these solar flares and my planet got  
the worst of it. That was why I left. To find water or a place to evacuate to."  
  
"So how did you end up on Earth?"  
  
"It was the only compatible planet I could find that wouldn't be able to put up a fight."  
  
"Yes they are mostly harmless."  
  
"They still caught me though. Not through warfare, but they still trapped me with their  
vices and hatred. I can't remember what they did to me exactly, just vague  
recollections of lights and wires and the sound of my voice screaming for mercy."  
  
"What did you do?" cried Hilarity, eyes wide with horror.  
  
"I escaped. But I had already failed. All I could do was send one last message to my  
wife children and hope they received it before they died of thirst. Then I just decided  
to accept my fate and drink myself to death."  
  
"That awful!" the girl sobbed "I'm sorry. I had no idea."  
  
"Don't apologise." he whispered "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here. You rescued  
me, took me in without question, gave me a fresh start. You've helped me make peace  
with myself." The two of them slowly walked hand in hand and dusted of each others  
distant memories long into the afternoon. Meanwhile, Hoggle listened to their quiet  
voices that were almost drowned out by the insulated thud of hooves. He understood  
very little of the conversation but could identify their honesty. He wished he could  
have that again. As the sun began to set they caught a glimpse of the merry streetlights  
of Washangburg. Their journey could only get harder from now on... 


	23. Reserved, Demons Only!

Chapter 23 - Reservation, Demons only!  
  
******  
  
A/N - Hi guys! Sorry it's been a while. I had a two day long art exam with nothing but  
my David Bowie albums and an assortment of sugary snacks to keep me company.  
Anyhew, an extra long, uber funny chappie today. Enjoy and please review.  
  
Luv from  
  
Hello it's me fantastic  
  
******  
  
"There it is!" said Hoggle "Warshangburg. The city at the end of the world."  
  
"It looks a bit too happy to be at the end of the world!" Hilarity mused.  
  
"Well, what you do if you knew the world was coming to an end?" asked the Gnome.  
  
"Me? I'd have a huge party. Enjoy the time I had left." the alien replied.  
  
"That's what they think too." said the Gnome gruffly.  
  
"Sounds like my kind of city!" she said happily.  
  
"It would be if it wasn't crawling with the Prince of Darkness' spies." Hoggle warned.  
Before he could explain further he was interrupted by the weight of the cart shifting  
slightly. Jareth emerged looking the worst for wear. There was a ladder in his tights  
and his hair was flat on one side and static on the other.  
  
"Christ! Whoever came up with the beauty sleep theory obviously never met you."  
Hilarity giggled.  
  
"Oh shut up, I'm ill." the Goblin King groaned unhappily and picked a few bits of  
straw out of his hair.  
  
"Ahem!" said Hoggle sharply "As I was saying, we will have to disguise ourselves as  
peasants before we approach the city. I'm guessing all the stratas of Hell are looking  
for you so we'll have to be inconspicuous. I've got some cheap clobber in the back."  
  
******  
  
Five minutes later the four of them entered the city gates in their peasant garb. The  
men were wearing tunics, tights and feathered hats and unfortunately looked like a  
bunch of outlaws who worked for a certain Mr Hood. Hilarity was wearing a light  
brown dress with white sleeves and a darker corseted piece over the top. It would've  
looked OK if it hadn't been designed for someone a lot shorter and bustier than she was.  
N'ya well. Such is life. Jareth on the other hand was in a foul mood about the whole  
scenario and was still complaining about it.  
  
"I still don't see why I should disguise myself." he said miserably.  
  
"There not looking for three peasants and a dead Gnome." said Hilarity "But if two  
peasants, a dead Gnome and a Goblin King walked by I think they would suss us out."  
  
"Fine, whatever. You didn't have to rugby tackle me though."  
  
"I thought you were trying to run away."  
  
"I'll never live this down."  
  
"Look, I know it's not your usual satin and tat, but that's the way it is, dude. Look on  
the bright side, that hat really does hide your bad hair day well." she said cheerily.  
  
"I don't know. I feel like the further I go, the more I lose. My magic, my hair, my  
clothes..."  
  
Yeah, and all you've got now is your good looks, natural charm and enormous  
genitalia." said Hilarity sarcastically "Honestly Jareth, you need to start looking at the  
glass as if it were half full. You can't go to the Land of the dead and not experience  
some kind of spiritual change."  
  
Jareth decided to give this conversation a miss. He hated it when Hilarity proved him  
wrong. Seeing that he wasn't going to argue, Hilarity changed the subject: "Right,  
while we're in the city we can't use our real names. Jareth, you can be Jake, I'll be  
Hilary, Tom can stay as he is (no one's after him) and Hedgehog, you can be  
called....Hoggle. That'll do."  
  
"Great, thanks." said Hoggle sarcastically, he wasn't even going to bother correcting  
them this time.  
  
"I know it's a crappy name Hedwig, but its only for a short time."  
  
******  
  
The city was experiencing what seemed like a permanent Oktoberfest. Every inn and  
every bar was throwing a wild party with raucous music and bread and beer by the  
bucket load. The four adventurers took no time in joining the festivities in one of the  
beer halls. Thomas quickly whisked Hilarity away in the direction of the dance floor  
while Hoggle went to inspect the hundreds of souvenir stalls outside. Jareth was left to  
himself and, for the first time in his life, felt really left out. He was out of his element  
here without his powers and he wasn't used to being alone in a crowd. Even on Zea,  
Hilarity would always stick around but now that silly little pet of hers was demanding  
her constant attention she hadn't given him a second glance. Still there was no point in  
standing around. Amongst all the kerfuffle, stood a heavy wooden table with a chess  
set on it. It was the only free table in the building but the locals seemed to be avoiding  
it for some reason. With a fleeting look at his friends (They were dancing surprisingly  
slowly compared with the upbeat tempo of the music, arms firmly around one another  
with Thomas's head resting happily on Hilarity's shoulder) the Goblin King sat down,  
nursing his tankard of ale. Almost as soon as he sat down a cowled figure sat down  
opposite him. He could just make out the cloven hooves under the stranger's robes.  
These demons were not the brightest in the world.  
  
"Psst!" whispered the stranger.  
  
"Not yet." he replied coolly.  
  
"Not pissed, psst!" the demon said angrily.  
  
"May I help you?" said Jareth and gave the creature a charismatic smile.  
  
"Have you, by any chance seen two aliens, a Goblin King and a dead Gnome  
anywhere?"  
  
"Who? Me? No." he replied fighting back a little smirk.  
  
"Oh! OK then. Fancy a game of chess?"  
  
"Why not." said the disguised Goblin King and they started playing. "So why are you  
looking for aliens? No flying saucers I hope."  
  
"No. The master told me to stop them from stealing back the chosen one." said the  
demon.  
  
"Chosen one?"  
  
"Yes. The child of the Goblin King is destined to destroy the living world and start a  
new reign of terror." said the demon then suddenly looked suspicious "What's it to you  
anyway?"  
  
"Just taking an interest in local affairs." said Jareth nonchalantly. "So how does he  
plan to keep the aliens away?"  
  
"You're not a Goblin King are ya?"  
  
"Of course not. I'm Jake the ..... loveable rogue." God he hoped that was a genuine  
profession.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"I'm positive."  
  
"Only fools are positive."  
  
"Are you sure?" said Jareth sneakily.  
  
"I'm positive....Oh crap! You got me! I should've known!"  
  
"Look, if I was a Goblin King...which I'm not...I would probably make my presence  
very clear and interrogate everyone as to where the baby is."  
  
"I guess you're right." said the demon "The plan is to separate them and make them  
each face the tree of temptation where if they give in they will be trapped for all  
eternity. The clever part is that the temptations are tailor made to suit your darkest  
desires."  
  
"Cool. Then what?"  
  
"They must cross the bridge of oblivion where their knowledge will be tested to its  
very limits. If they fail they will be cast into a river of molten lava."  
  
"Ooooh, that's original. Then what?"  
  
"they must face Cerberus the three headed hound of Hell who guards the entrance to  
the Land of the Dead and can only be rendered helpless if you play him music. Neat  
huh?"  
  
"Not really. Check mate." said Jareth "Well, it was very interesting talking to you  
mister...demon." he could hardly contain his smugness "If I see any aliens I'll let you  
know." he quickly left the table to find the others. Christ , that was almost too easy! 


	24. Olde Worlde Inns

Chapter 24 - Olde Worlde Inns  
  
******  
  
A/N - I sincerely apologise for my blatant use of a Simpson joke later on in this  
chapter. The Simpsons belong to Matt Groening and not me. Thank you, please read  
and review. Enjoy!  
  
******  
  
The next morning, Hilarity woke up feeling disorientated and majorly hung over. She  
seemed to be in a bedroom of some sort. Vague memories nagged at her about  
walking around for hours trying to find an inn. Then she noticed the strange little alien  
snuggled up to her. Oh no! They didn't! Did they? It was all a blur but they were both  
fully clothed so that was a good sign. She slowly got up, her head was throbbing and  
her stomach felt like an overactive volcano. She took a step forward and fell flat on  
her face. What the hell was that on the floor? She looked at where her feet were and  
saw Jareth asleep on the floor under what looked like an old curtain.  
  
"Oi! Dude, wake up." she whispered. No answer. "Wake up!" she said a little louder.  
  
Jareth made a noise that sounded a bit like "Hm? Wa? B'ger off."  
  
"Come on, kiddo. Time to get up."  
  
"I don't feel so good." moaned the Goblin King.  
  
"Hey congratulations! You're first real hangover."  
  
"Oh God! And all those times, I thought you were faking." he muttered and staggered  
to an open window. Hilarity heard an assortment of vomiting noises followed several  
screams from the street below.  
  
"OK. Throwing up on peasants is not a very good idea." she said and looked around  
for a bathroom. However the medieval set of the building didn't provide one. "Bloody  
olde worlde inns! Haven't they ever heard of plumbing?! Oh well, never mind. I guess  
the peasants will just have to suffer for it." She hastily woke up Thomas, who had  
been very good the night before and hadn't touched a drop, thus walking away with his  
new-found teetotalism intact. They began to rummage around to find what was left of  
their belongings.  
  
"So, what that demon say?" asked Hilarity.  
  
"Do you remember having a goat?" Thomas interrupted.  
  
"I don't know, Tommy. I think it followed us." she said absent-mindedly. "What was I  
on about? Oh yeah, the demon."  
  
"He told us we will have to face the Tree of Temptation, the Bridge of Oblivion and a  
three headed dog." said Jareth, shoving some things into his backpack.  
  
"They sure like their funny names around here." said Hilarity and opened a draw only  
to find a sleeping Gnome in it. She jumped violently and given the traditional low,  
medieval ceilings, struck her head again.  
  
"Helga! Don't scare me like that!"  
  
"It's Hoggle!"  
  
"We don't need to used our pretend names when we're alone."  
  
"No! I mean...oh, never mind!" said the Gnome grumpily.  
  
******  
  
It was late morning and our four heroes had reached the edge of the Forest of Fatality.  
The dark trees loomed over them and nearly blocked out any trace of the sun. The  
brambles were so overgrown two of them had to take it in turns to cut it back so that  
the cart could pass through. It was lucky that Hoggle had thought of buying some  
decent swords the night before or they would have been thoroughly screwed. Hour  
after hour of wilderness unfolded, but the travellers tried to put a brave face on things  
and kept on talking to avoid thinking about the mysterious shadows all around them.  
  
"So what's the deal with you and Thomas then?" asked Jareth. He and Hilarity were  
doing their shift in front while the other two did their best to control the cart over the  
bumpy ground.  
  
"There's no deal. We're just friends, that's all." she replied, going bright red all the  
while.  
  
"No. We are just friends, and I don't think you've ever let me feel you up the way he's  
been doing lately. You two are constantly sneaking off together."  
  
"Fine! I admit it. We're in love." Jareth scoffed at this "Well we have lived together  
for six years. Something had to happen eventually." she defended then a thought came  
to her "You're feeling left out aren't you?"  
  
"No I'm not. I'm just concerned."  
  
"It's OK to admit it, Jareth. Remember when you started seeing Sarah..."  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Flashback ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Hilarity was lying back on her couch idly dictating an article to ZEMAC the  
household computer. Suddenly Jareth appeared in the middle of the living room,  
grinning stupidly.  
  
"Hils! Guess what happened to me tonight!"  
  
Hilarity hardly batted an eyelid "I dunno. You and Sarah did it on the couch." she said  
sarcastically.  
  
"She said no to me! Have you any idea how many women have done that?" he sighed,  
obviously too smitten to notice his friends bad mood.  
  
"Three hundred and forty seven."  
  
"Yes. But only one since I was crowned Goblin King. Isn't that fantastic? She wants  
substance not a fancy title."  
  
"Well, I hid the substance in the lining of my suitcase but you can give it to her if its  
that important." she sneered.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ End of Flashback ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"Oh yeah." said Jareth, cringing at the unpleasant memory.  
  
"So why do they call it the Forest of Fatality?" said Hilarity swiftly changing the  
subject. Before her friend could answer a giant reddish brown monster jumped out of  
the bushes and let out a terrifying roar.  
  
"That's why!" said Jareth.... 


	25. Close encounters of the furry kind!

Chapter 25 - Close encounters of the furry kind!  
  
******  
  
A/N - OK peeps! A very short chapter today. My muse just up and left me. The story's  
nearly drawing to a close. I hope to finish it by chapter 30, then I'm definitely giving  
Hilarity and her chums a rest after this one cause I've got some cracking ideas for  
some different Laby fics. So watch out!  
  
To Clover the Sea-Beast : It's not that big a typo! Still I'll fix it if it's really that  
important!  
  
******  
The monster snarled in their direction. "Oh God!" said Jareth "I don't want to die in a  
Robin Hodd costume!" the monster continued to howl but did not advance.   
  
"You're a bloody Fae! What've you got to worry about?!" said Hilarity "We're the ones  
who have to worry about dying!"  
  
"Perhaps if we keep very still it won't see us." suggested Thomas.  
  
"No, that would give it a free meal!" cried Jareth irritably.  
  
"I don't think its out to eat us." said Hilarity, still trembling "Maybe it's hurt."  
  
"Maybe we should stop yakking and run away!" said Hoggle.  
  
"That's your solution to everything, Headly!" said Hilarity.  
  
"Well, it's worked damn well so far!"  
  
The creature that blocked their path continued to howl uncontrollably.  
  
"You're right, Hils. I think he's really hurt." said Thomas and picked his way with  
increasing confidence towards it. He noticed that there was a large thorn sticking out  
of its side and was about to reach for it when the monster growled loudly and backed  
away.  
  
"Oh, come on! He didn't even touch you!" said Hilarity crossly. This took the  
apparition by surprise and he made a confused noise. Realising that his pride was on  
the line here he stepped forward again, allowing Thomas to inspect his wound.  
  
"OK, be brave now." Thomas said and quickly pulled out the thorn. The monster gave  
a short growl of pain then quietened down.  
  
"Ludo hurt." It moaned quietly.  
  
"Put some Savlon on it." Suggested Hilarity and handed him a little blue tube of  
anti-septic cream from her first aid kit.  
  
"Thanks." Said the monster then looked at the gnome with gasp of recognition and  
cried out : "Hoggle!" happily.  
  
"It's Hilda!" said Hilarity "But that's close enough. Do you two know each other?"  
  
"Hoggle and Ludo friends." Said Ludo happily "But Hoggle not call or even send  
postcard!"  
  
"Well, I've been busy!" Hoggle objected.  
  
"Well would you like to come with us, then." Said Hilarity. They really needed some  
kind of brute strength here if they were going to fight the demon hoards. Ludo agreed  
enthusiastically and made quick work of clearing the path for them as they edged their  
way forward throught the Forest.   
  
Hoggle waddled along cynically at the rear. "Postcard! The great lump can't even  
read!" he muttered. 


	26. Tree of Terror

Chapter 26 - Tree of Terror  
  
******  
  
The sun was already setting and the usual gloom of the Forest became even darker and  
threatening. Unexplained sounds echoed between the trees and the canopy began to  
drip with dew like a damp ceiling of a crypt. The travellers were not as vulnerable  
now. They had an eight foot hairy monster and enough cold steel to supply a small  
army, but there was still a feeling of unease in the air that lingered like a cheap  
after-shave. Hilarity and Jareth were close to ending their shift at front and soon it  
would be Thomas and Ludo's turn.  
  
"So what's this Tree of Temptation look like?" said Hilarity, breaking the tense  
silence.  
  
"I don't know." said Jareth with a hint of sarcasm "A tree perhaps."  
  
"Yes, but which one?"  
  
"No idea. Should've asked that demon really."  
  
"You know you've been bloody useless since you got your magic confiscated!"  
Hilarity complained. "Sure, we know what our terrible fates are. But do we how  
escape them? NO!"  
  
"It was a spur of the moment thing, and I couldn't rightly give us away with all those  
agents out to get us. Besides, magic or no magic, I can still kick your arse!"  
  
"Oooh! Is that a challenge?" Hilarity baited "OK. I'm in the mood for a test of speed  
today. I'll race you to that sinister, highly suspicious looking over there. The loser has  
to eat the rest of the Goblin bread."  
  
"Your on!" said Jareth and immediately started running. Hilarity was ready for this.  
Being the huge cheater that he was, Jareth was very predictable in his racing  
techniques. They both sped towards the sinister looking tree. Hilarity, who had the  
advantage of longer legs, eventually took the lead, lept up and grabbed one of the  
lower branches.  
  
"HA! YES! In your face, Goblin King!" she shouted out happily as she swung her legs  
over the top of the branch and hung upside down mockingly. This was until the  
branch suddenly sprung to life and brutally tossed her through a small door that had  
appeared in the side of the trunk.  
  
"Hils?" cried Jareth, then realised what had happened "Oh Bugger!" The others  
arrived a few seconds later. He had a lot of explaining to do. Even more in fact, when  
the rest of the trees in the clearing appeared to move a lot closer together and any  
effort to escape was punished with a vicious branch whipping.  
  
"It looks like the only way out is to face the Tree." said Thomas hopelessly after a few  
unsuccessful attempts. They untied the mule and set it free and after gathering  
anything that could be of use, they stepped through the door one by one.  
  
******  
  
The Temptation of Hoggle  
  
******  
  
He was in room lit brightly with candles that stood on every available surface. To be  
more accurate it was a treasure room with all kinds of exotic trinkets from all over the  
world.   
  
"Honestly! Am I that predictable?" cried the Gnome angrily. But then again, they were  
awfully pretty. NO! it was all an illusion. "I don't want this!" he snarled, his mind  
straining to listen to reason. The room disappeared as quickly as it had appeared and  
he emerged into the still night at the other side of the Forest.  
  
******  
  
The Temptation of Jareth  
  
******  
  
He was in his throne room. It was surprisingly clean and devoid of Goblins! His train  
of though was interrupted when Sarah walked in and locked him in a passionate  
embrace.  
  
"Oh Darling! I was so worried! And I'm so happy that you and Caradoc are safe!" she  
whispered.  
  
"Well that's....Wait a minute! Do you say....?"  
  
"The way you rescued him, single-handedly and without magic." she continued.  
  
"But I didn't...!" he said. Or had he? It was quite hard to tell. Perhaps it was all over  
and he could just stay here with his family and live happily ever after. NO! It was all  
an illusion. He broke free of Sarah's arms and looked around wildly for an exit.  
  
"What's wrong, my love?" she said.  
  
"This isn't real!" Jareth cried.  
  
"Of course it's real. what are you talking about?"  
  
"No! It isn't. It's all an illusion to tempt me. I should know, I'm an expert on this kind  
of diversion. I don't want this!"   
  
As soon as the words were said, he dropped heavily on the ground at the edge of the  
Forest.  
  
******  
  
The Temptation of Ludo  
  
******  
  
Ludo found himself in a large meadow full of beautiful flowers. It was all quite  
wonderful but he wished there was someone to share it with. On pat, a little man  
appeared out of thin air.  
  
"Hiya! I'm George. What's you're name?"  
  
"Ludo." said Ludo. This guy smelt weird. He wasn't to be trusted.  
  
"Would you like to be friends, Ludo?" said the man, cheerfully.  
  
"Ludo got friends!" said Ludo.  
  
"Well, no harm in having another one." said the man.  
  
"This not real! Ludo not want this!" splat. It was dark and the ground was dry and  
hostile. Luckily he had landed on something soft. And alive! Oh no! It was a Gnome.  
"Not again!" came a muffled squeak.  
  
******  
  
The Temptation of Thomas  
  
******  
  
He was on Earth. In his old hotel room in New Mexico, the one he lived in for years  
before he was found out. His twelve television sets were placed strategically along the  
wall opposite the bed that was surrounded by empty gin bottles. That really wasn't his  
idea of temptation any more. As soon as this thought crossed his mind the door  
opened and he found himself looking back into the calm, familiar gaze of his wife.  
  
"Zinnia! You're alive!" he cried joyfully as she drew him to her. The perfume she  
always wore engulfed him in a comfortable cloud of scent.  
  
"That message you sent reached us just in time." she said beaming at him "We  
managed to track down the co-ordinates of this planet and escape before our last water  
supplies ran out."  
  
"We?" No sooner said than done, the door crashed open again and two younger alien  
males rushed through. "Kids!" he cried and knelt down to hug them both "Oh! I've  
missed you all so much!"  
  
"We've missed you too, Tom." said Zinnia "I love you."  
  
"I love..." one tiny thought nagged its way into his brain "...Hilarity!"  
  
"What do you mean, Tom?"  
  
"I love Hilarity!" he repeated again, suddenly realising that none of this was real. "I'm  
so sorry! I don't want this!"   
  
Crash! Through the branches of a tree near the edge.  
  
******  
  
The Temptation of Hilarity  
  
******  
  
She was in a desert! That was funny! She had been in a forest a few minutes ago. She  
gasped. Oh crap! The tree...it must've been...  
  
"Hello, my dear." said a voice behind her. She looked around and saw a tall dark man  
with a striking physical resemblance to Ozzy Osbourne.  
  
"Are you...?" the man nodded "Christ! This is a little biblical isn't it?"  
  
"It's what we got from you're mind."  
  
"Oh....Well, do your worst. You cannot tempt me."  
  
"Oh can't I?" said the Prince of Darkness and pulled out a large jar with a foil top.  
"Would you like a cup of coffee? I haven't broken the seal yet." he ran a teaspoon  
gently along the rim. Hilarity looked torn for a moment but with a lot of effort,  
politely refused.   
  
"Very well." said the devil "How about a fruit pastille?" he held one out and rolled the  
circular fruit gum between his thumb and forefinger seductively "It's a black one." he  
encouraged.  
  
"No!"  
  
The devil pulled out a highly ornate carriage clock.  
  
"You're riches cannot tempt me, Satan!" she shouted.  
  
"Maybe not. But look what it's wrapped in." said the Prince of Darkness and held up a  
sheet of bubble wrap.   
  
"I DON'T WANT IT!" yelled Hilarity angrily and the desert disappeared with a  
mighty pop. 


	27. Bridge of Oblivion!

Chapter 27 - Bridge of Oblivion!  
  
******  
  
A/N - in reference to : "do you look anything like hilarity or is she just made up?"  
from Augusta.  
  
Weeeelll... Hilarity is a bit of a Frankenstein's monster in the sense that I based her on  
a lot of people, including myself, my mother and my friend Charlotte. The rest is pure  
fiction. As for her looks, the only resemblance I have to her is the hair and the grin. I  
made up her other physical features such as eye colour, height and unusual skinniness  
to make her seem quite otherworldly but not drastically different from humans so she  
could still be identified as a sympathetic character.  
  
And now it's time for...the rest of the story!  
  
******  
  
Disclaimer - I do not own any material from the Monty Python sketches or movies.  
Anything I may have copied was done purely out of respect. I apologise for what I am  
about to do to Hoggle, Ludo and Sir Didimus but frankly, I am sadistic little so and so  
and the group was getting too big! You'll see what I mean...  
  
******  
  
The experience inside the Tree had been brief, and quite pathetic in most people's  
opinions. In retrospect they couldn't even believe they had fallen into that trap it was  
so obvious. However the effort they put into resisting the temptation had left them  
completely shattered and without a word, they had all found a more comfortable patch  
of ground and remained unconscious until morning!   
  
It was Thomas who woke first as the cold rays washed viscously across the plain like  
an oil spill of morning light. Hilarity had found him during the night and had cuddled  
up to him for warmth and her head rested gently on his chest. He smiled. This was  
definitely worth more than an eternity of delusion.  
  
He watched her sleep until the light was too bright to ignore and she slowly stirred and  
sat up, aching all over from the hard ground.  
  
"Man! I hate camping!" she said groaned. "Where are we?"  
  
"I'm not sure." he replied, trying hard to forget the events of the night before. They  
seemed to lying just at the edge of the Forest and the River Tartarus crossed their path  
straight ahead. Instead of its previous uncontrollable waters oozed a steady stream of  
molten lava. Hilarity had noticed it too and just sat there and gasped with disbelief.  
That was impossible! Over the river sat a tiny rope-bridge. A thread in comparison to  
the army of red and orange. That was their destination! That was the Bridge of  
Oblivion!  
  
******  
  
They reached the bridge at noon after everyone had woken up properly. Their  
confidence was dwindling as it usually does when you're faced with a rickety bridge  
over a river of molten lava. They were about to cross when a small, dog-like creature  
jumped out at them, blocking their path.  
  
"Halt!" it squeaked.  
  
"Oh no! It's you!" groaned Hoggle with an ounce of frustration.  
  
"Ah! Sir Hoggle. We meet again." said the creature and looked around at the rest of  
the party in turn "And greetings to you Sir Ludo, your Majesty, my Lady, kind sir."  
they all nodded politely at the creature's greetings.  
  
"Nice to meet you." said Hilarity "But, would you mind letting us pass? We're in a bit  
of a hurry."  
  
"No one shall pass this way unless you answer me these questions three..." said the  
creature happily. He obviously loved his job. "Now, who's first?"  
  
Everyone eyed each other nervously. This was probably going to be an insanely  
difficult challenge and no one was willing to step forward. Finally, Thomas bravely  
volunteered, egged on by the fact that Hilarity seemed very impressed with this... Sir  
Didimus bowed to him cheerfully and began his interrogation.  
  
"WHAT is your name?"  
  
"Thomas Jerome Newton of Andromeda!" Thomas replied with surprise. Was this  
some sort of joke?  
  
"WHAT is your quest?"  
  
"To rescue Caradoc and Trin."  
  
"WHAT is your favourite colour?"  
  
"Blue!"  
  
"Right! Off you go then!" said Sir Didimus and, to Thomas's astonishment, let him  
pass.  
  
"That's easy!" Hoggle protested and rushed forward to be questioned.  
  
"WHAT is your name?" said the tiny guard.  
  
"Hoggle the Gnome."  
  
"WHAT is your quest?"  
  
"To save the child and the little lady's cousin."  
  
"WHAT...is the capital of Syria?"  
  
"What? I don't know that!!!" cried Hoggle in a panic and was instantly propelled into  
the molten river.  
  
Next it was Ludo's turn and the big brown sasquatch edged forward cautiously.  
  
"WHAT is your name?"  
  
"Ludo."  
  
"WHAT is you quest?"  
  
"Ludo save baby."  
  
"WHAT is your favourite colour?"  
  
"Blue...no...wait!!!" it was too late, he was already gone.  
  
Next it was Jareth's turn. He had never seen an eight foot monster get hurled into a  
chasm of molten rock before. It was impressive but he still thought the Bog of Eternal  
Stench would beat it hands down in it's overall unpleasantness. He approached the  
tiny creature confidently.  
  
"Good Morrow, my liege!" said Sir Didimus and bowed "WHAT is your name?"  
  
"Jareth, King of the Goblins."  
  
"WHAT is your quest?"  
  
"I wish to save my son..." Hilarity elbowed him in the ribs "...Oh! And Trin."  
  
"WHAT...is the air speed velocity of an un-laden swallow?!?"  
  
"What kind? An African or a European swallow?"  
  
Sir Didimus looked shocked and confused. "Erm...I don't know that!" he said and was  
tossed, head first, into the chasm.  
  
Hilarity and Jareth looked at each and shrugged.   
  
"How come you know so much about swallows?" she asked.  
  
"All part of being a king, my dear." he replied and winked. They made their way  
across the bridge. 


	28. Gatekeeper!

Chapter 28 - Gatekeeper!  
  
******  
  
A/N - A very short chapter today! I feel really crap. Nuff said.  
  
******  
  
What was left of the quintet (which technically was now a trio again) met up on the  
other side of the bridge.  
  
"I can't believe those guys got killed twice!" said Hilarity. "Someone must really have  
it in for them." There was an awkward silence. The mouth of a giant cave loomed  
ahead. It's pitch blackness was decorated here and there by small lamps attached to the  
walls and the air was exceptionally cold.  
  
"It's the entrance!" cried Jareth "We made it!"   
  
"Oh! We are so cool!" said Hilarity gleefully. They hugged, joyful at the thought that  
their journey would soon be over. There was an angry growl from behind them.  
  
"No need to get jealous Tom." Hilarity protested.  
  
"I didn't say anything!" said Thomas.  
  
"But, you just made an angry noise."  
  
"No I didn't."  
  
"Well then..." she looked back at Jareth.  
  
"Don't look at me!" he said.  
  
"Well if it wasn't you, and it wasn't you..." said Hilarity with confusion "And it wasn't  
me! Then that must mean there's...."  
  
She was interrupted by another sinister growl, followed by the biggest (that is to say  
only) three headed dog she had ever seen stepping out of the cave's entrance.  
  
"Oh Bugger!" she shouted. "We forgot about him!"  
  
"Stand back!" cried Jareth and drew his sword bravely to face the monstrosity. The  
middle head bit the blade off so all that was left was a jagged steel stump and a  
handle.  
  
"Throw some food at it. It might get distracted." said Thomas. Hilarity quickly obliged  
but all she could find was the last loaf of Goblin bread. Still it was worth a try! She  
threw it at the beast with all her might but the left head caught it in its mouth and  
swallowed it whole. It looked mightily pissed off, probably because the stuff tasted so vile.  
  
"I think the Goblin bread just made it angrier, Tom!" she yelled as the creature began to  
advance. "RUN!!!"  
  
They began to retreat when Jareth suddenly remembered what the demon in the beer  
hall had told him. The dog could only be rendered defenceless if you played it music.   
  
"No! Wait! If we play it music, we can send it to sleep." he called to the others.  
  
Some time later, after a few stirring rounds of "Isn't she lovely" by Stevie Wonder, the  
great beast lay in a peaceful slumber, dreaming about chasing giant sticks and  
whatnot.  
  
"Well, that was easy!" said Hilarity to Jareth "But what I don't understand is where did  
you get that Stylophone from?!" 


	29. Have we forgotten something?

Chapter 29 - Have we forgotten something?  
  
******  
  
A/N - That's it! Hope you've enjoyed the story and please take a looksee at my next one  
called "Black Star" (it's got nothing to do with Radiohead!) It's my first attempt at a serious  
Laby fic so please be kind.  
  
******  
  
"All right, Satan! Fun's over!" a suitably heroic voice echoed through the main hall of  
the Prince of Darkness' palace. The troublesome trio rushed through the double doors,  
swords at the ready.  
  
Satan looked up calmly from the book he was reading. "Ah! Jareth, I was wondering  
when you'd show up. I'm afraid the fun's only just begun. Guards!" There was no  
answer "Guards!" Still nothing! "GUARDS!"  
  
"Oh yeah! About that..." Jareth drawled "The guards are gone."  
  
"How could the three of you fight over ten thousand ****ing demon guards?"  
  
"Simple. We bribed them."  
  
"How the **** could you afford that?"  
  
"Well, I am a king!" Jareth pointed out.  
  
"And I was a millionaire back on Earth!" said Thomas.  
  
"And I'm a trendy urbanite from a highly developed alien civilisation." said Hilarity  
"Put that together and you'll find that we are considerably wealthy. Now hand over the  
kid and no one gets hurt!"  
  
"****!" said Satan.  
  
******  
  
Jareth, Hilarity and Thomas returned to the Goblin City to a heroes' welcome. There  
was dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons and necking in the parlours.  
Well...more or less. Anyway there was a whole week of feasting to celebrate  
Caradoc's return. Hilarity and Thomas kept arrived later and later for dinner and on  
the few occasions that they did show up, they would always be breathless and  
blushing. On this particular evening, Jareth could've sworn that Hilarity's sweater was  
on inside-out. Honestly they were behaving like a pair of randy teenagers.  
  
"Oh! They're so sweet together." said Sarah.  
  
******  
  
After the partying was over and Caradoc had been put to bed, the four of them were  
the only people left in the dining room.  
  
"You know what." said Jareth "Is it just me or is there a lot more meat left over than  
there usually is?"  
  
"You're right!" exclaimed Sarah "And no one's brought up the Darkness in the  
conversation or that alien band...what are they called?"  
  
"Capital Punishment?" Hilarity suggested.  
  
"That's the one."  
  
"It's very quiet today!" said Thomas.  
  
"That's just because everyone's gone." said Jareth.  
  
"No, it's definitely quieter than usual." said Hilarity "And I keep getting this terrible  
feeling that we've forgotten something..."  
  
******  
  
Three weeks later, Trin was reclining in his tiny cell when suddenly the door opened  
and his flustered cousin rushed in.   
  
"Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!" she cried.  
  
"Where the hell were you?!"  
  
"Well...we were on such a buzz from rescueing Caradoc, we kind of...left without  
you!"  
  
"You did WHAT!!!!!!"  
  
"I am sooo sorry!"  
  
"How could you! My own flesh and blood!"  
  
"Do you want to be saved or not!"  
  
"Of course I do!"  
  
"Come on then!"  
  
The two Zeans strode out into the daylight and grumbled their way through the long  
journey home.  
  
THE END 


	30. Epilogue Three years later

Epilogue - Three Years Later...  
  
******  
  
"And that was how your dad and I saved you from the Prince of Darkness!" said  
Hilarity, getting up from the large bed in the castle nursery and making her way to the  
door.  
  
"Oh please tell me another story!" said Caradoc who was nearly four years old.  
  
"No. It's late."  
  
"But what about the Breville Monkey and the three headed dog and Hoggle?"  
  
"Higgle."  
  
"Whatever!"  
  
"Well, the Breville Monkey and the dog...escaped and went on to have many exciting  
adventures. But those will have to wait for another night.  
  
"Will you tell me about the time you and dad got arrested as well?"  
  
"Are you sure it won't give you nightmares?" the platinum blonde, crazy haired boy  
shook his head enthusiastically. "It's a deal then. I'll see if I can find the mug shots at  
home..."  
  
*************************************************************  
  
A/N - Just wanted to end it on a nice round number like 30. I would like to give the  
following thanks to:  
  
Demon Faerie Queen : for being the first person to ever leave a review!  
  
Augusta : for sticking with it, almost without fail!  
  
Clover the Sea-Beast : for her side splitting reviews and input for the plot. And for  
making me notice what a funny word haberdashery is!  
  
books mom : for being so damn nice.  
  
My Dad : for undergoing hours of rigorous joke testing and modification.  
  
Thank you! 


End file.
